pity poor me

I flip off your closed door .. what should be our bedroom door... with both hands.   Begging for you to not be like everyone else.  Silently screaming for you to give a shit about me.  

I know it won't do any good.  I know you are all my fault.  I know I can't change anything.

Except myself.

I'm ready to be loved, supported and appreciated.  I'm ready to be heard and respected and validated.

I wish you would be able to do those things.

I don't know that you can.

I'll take the blame for it.  

I've got to have what I need.

You do you,  boo.  I am finally ready to do me.

holidays, hollowdaze and triggers

The holidays are approaching fast.  I used to love the Christmas season.  I loved everything about it.  Wrapping gifts, cooking big meals, setting long tables for the family.  Playing Santa for my kids, working hard to get someone I loved something they really wanted.  The music, the decorations, the lights, even the fights.  I really loved them so much.

I've organized charity drives and gone caroling.   I've helped my parents pull it all together.  I've witnessed many a meltdown and come out holding hands with the poor soul who needed a boost.

Then I met D.

D is supposed to be my life partner, my compatriot at arms.  Instead, he tells me how awful I am that I can't handle his terribly abusive and horrible behavior around the holidays.

This will be our 7th Christmas together.  It may very well be the last.  I don't need someone to drag me down and make me sad all the time.  I don't need someone to invalidate me and embarrass me.  I don't need someone to tell me I'm bad because I want to be joyful.

Honestly, I don't need anyone but my kids.

I've tried so hard to help him, but he can never admit that I have.  I've tried so hard to support him, but he rejects me at every turn.  I know I've been hardwired to seek out abusive relationships.  I've done a lot of work, therapy, growing.  I'm don with abuse.  

I want to be joyful.  I want to experience beauty and peace.  I think it's time to accept that I can't care for him and be joyful at the same time.

I wanted our little family to work.  I love his mom and dad and sister.  They love me and my kids.  I'm honestly done ignoring and forgiving his behavior for the sake of peace.

This year, I will be performing a lot. I will do my best for my family.  I wish he would be a part of it, but I have my doubts.

I'm done feeling so unsure.  It isn't working for me at all.  I want to be safe, healthy, secure, trusting, focused together... or not at all.

I don't need to be pushed down.  I need to ha e someone beside me to build us up together.  I have always chosen poorly.  I don't know how to change this one at this point.  He is what he is, and he doesn't feel the need to apologize for that.

It's my fault.  I'm sorry I've wasted his and his family's time.

Oh well.

Bring on the holidays, I pray no return of the hollow daze.

Love you ❤️ 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Changes are fucking hard.  Oh man.  

It's super bad when you want to change your haircut, it's a whole new level of suckage when your life gets the rug pulled out from beneath your feet.

Sometimes, I wonder how I haven't taken the fast lane to purgatory.  

The past few years have been just as, and honestly, even tougher than I've had to face before.  Why I have to tear apart my whole world every few years is beyond me.

I'm not sure who I should blame for all the ruination.  Clearly, I am the only common denominator.  I am getting better at accepting that.

I've tried so hard to make everyone else happy.  I failed them all, miserably, publicly, and horribly.  I was never concerned with what I actually wanted in life.  I didn't ever think about myself, it was not allowed.  I only ever thought about what I thought everyone I loved and cared for needed and wanted.

Boy, that was not the right answer.

My health has taken a real beating.  Mentally and physically.  My finances have gone up and down again.  My relationships have been a real roller-coaster ride.  

I mean, food allergies, severe chronic pain, long covid, memory loss, severe depression and anxiety, weight gain, hamstring injuries, severe allergies coming out of the woodwork, surgery, massive family disputes, alcohol and drugs, business collapse, eviction, rage attacks, panic attacks, nightmares, ptsd, shame, guilt, pain, failure, defeat and illness.  It's really been something.  

I have fought and fought to do what I thought everyone expected of me, and it's nearly killed me.

I'm ready to do for me.  It's time.

the dance

I know I'm not the only one faking my way through life.

I know goddamn well that no one really wants to know anyone well enough to heal them.

We're all just supposed to keep dancing through this sham of existence.  This social mockery of reality.  This civil obedience.

To scream from the mountain top "I am here!" Is no longer allowed.  Now, the battle cry is so fucked up and convoluted.  

We wear our masks, or resist for whatever political bs we identify with, in this covid era.  

But, we've all been wearing them all along.

We're all liars, criminals, theives, whores, scoundrels, scum.  In our deepest hearts.  In our private places where no one ever wants to go with us.  We are all awful deep down.  But we are so good at this facade of life.

Who cares if it's all a matrix simulation?  We are so in it, most of us can't get through our day without mind altering substances.  

We feel all the pain and disappointment our parents told us to, and struggle to even get up for one more day, one more episode of this pretend empty life.

We know the dance so well.  One two three, one two three... Turn slide dip.  Whatever.

Knowing when we're all alone you will be tormented with the pain of lying to yourself and everyone else.  Not because you want to, because you're a good girl and that what you were always taught. Oppression is the human way.  And when no one can oppress us, we will do it even more to ourselves.

Oh, what is freedom but nothing left to lose.  Thats the only definite answer I've ever heard.  What does that mean?  Why can't I be free?  Free from me?  I can tell you, no matter where you go, there you are.

I just want to go home.  Safe, sound, peaceful.  Just go home.  I know someday... I hope.

the color purple

Have I really seen this film about 100 times without knowing Steven Spielberg directed it?

All I seem to cling to is the music and Whoopi Goldberg.  She is just incredible.  

A couple of weeks ago, I bought my youngest a label maker, and she went to town.  I went to do dishes, and she had labeled the kitchen window.

"Window" 

It brought me back to this film, that back in the vhs days I watched over and over.  When I finally read the book, I still wasn't experienced enough to understand all the subtlety.  

I can recall causing quite a stir in my white bread high school junior class with my presentation on women characters in film.

I got real high tech, with two VCRs, and had a 10 minute presentation ready with narrative and film.  I used more than one clip from this film, and of course Jenny from Forest Gump, Scarlet O'Hara, Abigail Adams from 1776, scenes from 9 to 5.   

I have to say that at that time in my life (16) I was aware that women were not on the same level as men, but I don't think I was fully aware of how deep it ran.  I focused on the brilliant and (of course) deep scenes the most.  

When the scene with Miss Ceelie and Sug Avery kiss came up on the screen, one of my sheltered classmates verbalized that he was offended.

My teacher (that I hated) to her credit, ignored him, and allowed my presentation to play to completion.

That was 1994.

Today, in 2020, the powers that be tried to block us from watching "Gone with the Wind" because of the depictions of black slaves.  I was horrified.  That happened.  It isn't cool, it wasn't right, it's fucking terrible and I can't imagine that reality.  But, regardless, it was real, that did happen, and to deny or hide it (in my opinion) actually is more harmful and disrespectful than allowing the film to be what it is.

I think it's dangerous to obliterate the past.  No matter how fucked up it is.  Actually, the more fucked up it was, the more harmful it is to erase the reminders.  

Good God, people actually owned other people.  That is incomprehensible to me.  I know it really happened.  I know there was a whole industry and many a white man's fortunes were built upon it.  To me it's impossible.  Yet I know it was a recent reality.  

I cannot stress enough how much the slave trade was completely fucked up in every imaginable way.  I cannot deny that the wonderful actresses that portrayed slaves in "Gone with the Wind" faced a life of segregation and inequality.  I have no intention of not recognizing that, nor that I can not identify with that because the benefit of my privileged pedigree.  I have light skin, blue eyes and red hair.  I can't even begin to walk a mile in the shoes of a human that was "property".  Thank God 

Now bear with me, again it is not my intention to lessen the completely fucked up history of African slaves in America.  I do, however, am afraid and embarrassed to bring forth the mistreatment of all women, still to this day.  I feel like that's still ok, somehow.  

In all the film's I chose for that English class presentation in 1994, women were portrayed as what women actually are (or were for their time).

Jenny was an abused little girl, that grew into a wounded and wrecked woman.  Watch carefully, even though she was living the high life, none of it was hers. She was always portrayed as property untill she finally gives herself over to the only person who ever treated her well.  Which, come on, she knew it was a pity fuck, and that he would take care of her.  When she was on her own, as a single mom, she's portrayed as a waitress.  Don't even get me started.

Scarlet, for all her amazing courage and dirty deeds was no less than property.  Marrying men she didn't love so she could have some sort of ownership and rights.  She legally couldn't have owned Tara at that time.  Remember when she goes to beg Rhett for the money for the taxes, and she goes to great lengths to visibly entice him and manipulate him?

Remember when he kisses her hands and calls her out for working like a "field hand" (slave) and shames her for doing manual labor?  Wtf is chivalrous about that?  How in the world was anyone supposed to keep up the former standard of appearances in that time?

Does he protect her?  No.  

Was she ever protected?  No.  From the first scene, it's very clear that Scarlet is for sale.  Because of her attractive qualities, she was a hot commodity for her family's continued success.

I know, it's not anywhere even close to being beaten and denied everything that a human should have choices about.  But (and I know this is gonna be controversial) it kind of was.  Father's did sell their daughters.  Women weren't allowed to own property or vote.  They were often abused physically, sexually, emotionally.  They were denied the education that men received.  

I can't deal with this.

Slavery still exists.  I'm not sure how or where or anything because I'm a stupid, spoiled, white person that hasn't had to see it in 2020.  I have experienced the continuing abuse and discrimination against women of all colors.  And I have witnessed through my friends the continuing bull shit people of color face every single day.

It seems like the only safe thing to be is a white American straight male.  

Is it useless to hope that it can get better?

Much love,

A

regret

Very recently I've come to accept that I am talented.  It fucking breaks my heart to even write that.  Here we go, even worse... I am a musical genius.  

Gross.

I have to accept it, just to believe that I can save my work for someone else to hear.  Just to believe that I can help teach other people what I've learned and tortured myself with.  Just to save their regrets, and release my own.  And to give my gift to those who would appreciate it.  It's so hard.  

It's so hard to believe those things and not be an ego maniac.  In fact, most of my time and energy is spent on service to others.  I think that's how I'm able to reconcile it all.  I'm obligated to share my gift.  To share it, I have to own it.  

For years, I destroyed most records of my work.  I never believed it was good enough and would just be ignored, annoying, awkward...

Now, I see that it is my responsibility to do this.  Whether I feel "special" or "gross".  It's my cross to bear.  And I have been.

Today, in a few hours, I plan to share some of my most beautiful work with my parents.  The people who paid for my instruments and teachers.  I am terrified.  I think my dad will love it, I think my mother will too but she won't let herself show it.

I think I'm driving my love away.  He was better off in his own world without me to shine next to him.  He is a genius, beautiful, talented.  He has yet to accept himself.  I owe him everything.  He pushed me to who I am now.  I talk with him and try to help him accept who he is and stop fighting it.  The past few days, it's made him very sick.  And I can't find a way to help him feel better.

Regrets.  I regret that I am struggling with this, and have forever.  I regret that my mom and my love feel like they don't shine because I do (like my sister).  I regret that I let their discomfort alter my work.  I regret everyone I've hurt.  

I wish I knew how I look to other people.  Why my students are intimidated by me.  Why the people I admire don't seem like they like my work.  I wish I knew how to share better.  I wish I could understand the right way to do all this.  

I am ready to know how to handle it.  I wonder if I even get it or if I'm really just a poser.

Maybe it'll get better.  I pray it all goes well.

Tick Tock

I can't sleep.  Again.

This has been a thing for me since very early on.  

When you can't sleep, and you live with other people, there comes a time in the night when you try hard not to wake them.  There's no piano playing, no hammer nailing, minimal floor board wailing.  It's a game of hide and hopefully they won't seek.

I used to learn to do new things in the middle of the night.  I taught myself to see, paint, use sign language, write poetry.  Now, I just sit up and wait for the awake time.  I used to sometimes pray, to God, to Mary, to Jesus.  I even fancied that angels would visit me.  I used to do breathing exercises and muscle tightening loosening moves.  I used to read books.  I've gotten a lot of who I am from not being able to sleep, and being able to pretend like I had the next day.

Maybe I should go back to the way I was.  I've made my own space recently.  Maybe, on these sleepless nights, I should continue to learn - to practice - to expand.  I fear so much disturbing anyone else, I've given up on quite a lot.

When I have had to lay next to another, wide awake, hearing them go deeper and deeper into their resting rhythms, I would meditate.  I would thank each atom and electron in my physical form.  I would pray and focus protection on my people.  I would pray for peace in the world.  I would take 100 deep, square, 10 count breaths.  Sometimes, I would finally go to sleep.  Sometimes, the bittersweet sound of the alarm would come and I would rise, unsure if I had touched the other realm.

Maybe I should exercise more.  I used to take long walks at night.  First solo, then with Kojo and Laurel, and then Frankie.  Sometimes after those walks, I could sleep.  I used to sing and dance for hours and go eat eggs at 3 am.  Sometimes after those nights I could sleep.  

I don't know.

I don't know why sometimes, I can sleep, and others I just can't.  I don't know why I get so uncomfortable in my own home when I can't.  I doubt it will ever change (the sleeping part).  I hope I can change the discomfort part.  God knows how it could be if I was ok with being creative or constructive while I just can't sleep.  

I'm sure I'll keep working on it.