I know it has to be my fault. I know it could be different, if only I knew what was required of me to get my desired outcome.
As you said tonight, "it's been 10 years, why haven't you acclimated to me yet?"
It's because I exist too. I'm here too. I have wants and needs and hopes and dreams, and have spent quite a few years working to please you and others. While none of them ever knew me at all.
I finally got it during one of the group sessions I took back in 2020, after my stint in the psych ward. We did a blind " what do you think of/compliment" each other exercise.
No one knew anything about me after 6 weeks besides I owned a business and I tried to be a good mom. I knew then, that I am very closed off from anyone around me. I also realized, I don't know how to change that without being a complete psycho dick.
I scare people. One of my students recently took a workshop with my former teacher. This woman frightened me down to my very core.
My student reported, " I see why you're so scared of her, but you scare me more."
Wow.
Just Wow.
Of course, everyone I encounter, then is subject to this ridiculous possibility. What a mind fuck.
I don't want to be scary, or serious, or intimidating. I never even imagined I would come across as those things. I know now that I do. This recent example is only one of many.
I have to ask myself if it would be better some other way?
I don't know. I only know I didn't know it was this way. Now that I do, what should I do?
