chronic illness

I haven't really ever felt well.  

I know, that sounds completely whiny and awful.

I hate this about myself.

I always pushed through, did what I could even if I was sick. These last couple of years, though, I'm falling behind.

After always trying to do my best, take care of everyone and everything, not take time for myself... this is really hard.

My mom was chronically ill. I hated it. I couldn't do anything to make her better. I still can't.  

Most of all, I feel sorry. And 

completely freaked out.  

I feel like there's no way to find the answer.

I'm so repulsed by myself and my health, I wish I didn't have to be here anymore.

I want to go home. Now.

I'm so sorry.

Going to the blood doctor Wednesday.

I hope they can help. 

was it 2018?

It may have been as far back as 2012, or even farther. Maybe clear back when I got here in 77. I'm not sure.

I know I had some weird experiences. I know 

I didn't have choices.

I'm fucking 45 years old now. I don't care what happened. I don't care who did what to who. I don't care how fucked up it was.  

It's time to forgive. All the way. All of it.

I want to live for me now. I've given way too much of my time to feel like shit over things I can't change, can't erase, can't undo.  

I forgive it all. I forgive them all. 

I forgive myself.

The past is gone, thank God.  

Why am i so scared? So many stupid questions. Do I even know who I am? Aren't I what those things made me? Was I something else before all that? How do I forgive? How can I possibly allow myself to live for myself? Shame. Guilt. Fear. Fuck it.