I was supposed to get him 2 Mondays before, but his first mom said he wasn't ready. I wasn't either.
I ended up wanting to die and taking 10 benadryl that day. I had tried, once again, desperately, to make my needs known to save my marriage.
I had spent the weekend camping at campsite 97. Cassi and Micah picked me up and we made it there by 5 or 6 on Friday. Adam showed up that night at dark, Emmy the next day for a bit.
It was (for me, anyways) one of the best trips we've ever had.
I was embarrassed, my hip was all messed up and I couldn't bend. Chairs broke and what not.
I stayed mostly sober, never out of order.
Adam brought me home. When I got here, things went south pretty quickly.
The next thing I know, it's Monday. Doug has called off and spent quite a bit of time letting me know about all the things he cared about for that moment, and how much he doesn't ever want to see my face or hear my voice again.
So, after Terry and I spent some time together, and he told about the black dead baby in the war and we walked up to get some smokes and lemonade and he helped me fill up the little $10 pool to put my feet in...
Doug told me again how much he couldn't stand me, and I was a joke. I sat right here in this couch and took 4 benadryl.
Then, I had to give him money to go get himself dairy queen, he came back and I had pushed everything off the coffee table and was a weeping mess.
"Love what you've done with the place" he said as he walked right past me and went to what used to be my room when I first met him.
I told him I had taken some pills and didn't feel safe. He made fun of me. I left - after I took 4 more and hid the bottle in my bra.
When I got to the ravine, I took 2 more.
I called Suzy. Hoping for help. I didn't get any. I texted the girls because Doug said he already had. Micah called me.
I took 2 more.
Micah told me all the things you're supposed to say, but now he has turned off his life 360, even though I asked him to turn it back on. I turned mine off when Doug asked where I was. I forgot to turn it back on.
Cassi barely said anything, except for "You two need a break from each other". She turned off her life 360 too, and hasn't said anything to me since.
Emmy was (of course) at work at the time and had to put up with my bullshit.
Truth is, I was hoping I would do it. I wanted him to care, I wanted Sue to come get her crazy son. I wanted to go to sleep in the ravine and not wake up.
I begged Doug to leave the house for one night - he had thrown things at my face earlier, and after the incident on cassi's birthday, I didn't feel safe. Of course, he didn't go.
He said it was his house (even though he hadn't paid rent for June - and never lifted a finger to clean it - even his own piss off the bathroom floor - no matter how many times I asked/begged/refused) and now, the landlord texted later about the realtors showing it that coming Wednesday and Doug couldn't be bothered to do a goddamn thing. His house. Yet he calls his mom and dad's his home. Has his mail sent there.
I had (and still don't have) nowhere else to go.
I begged sue to come get her son. She basically called me a liar. Which I did right then.
"I don't believe he hit you" I'm on 8 benadryl and vodka in the ravine calling her as a prayer.
I said, "he just did"
He almost had that time. I had made a list of expenses for my "roomie" which is what he was calling himself. He ripped them up and came at me and threw them in my face...
On cassi's birthday, he grabbed me, threw me through the door and gouged my leg, pulled a sword on me, hit me quite a few times until I gave up.
But, I lied. He hadn't actually just hit me.
So, I thanked her and hung-up.
After I talked to Micah, my phone was nearly dead. My breathing was weird and all, my feet didn't work. I was so, so done. I didn't feel safe on the couch I sleep in pain on for the past year.
I made it home, I had to train my feet to work. He, of course, came down and walked past me angrily a few times. Finally, I went to sleep. I hoped for the last time, but sure it wasn't enough.
Sure enough, he woke me up at 9:15 to drive him to work. I figured he needed coffee money, he said, "I'm never taking anything from you ever again". Haha
He made fun of me, screaming at me outside, so all the neighbors could hear, whether they wanted to or not (drama queens)
Made fun of me. Because I made a half-assed attempt at killing myself. I stopped because of Micah.
He informed me that I only had use of the Rav4 for one more week, and that he wasn't going to leave his house. I reminded him to pay his rent for June.
I had work that day, so I went and did it.
Halfway through the day, he started trying to resume as normal.
I told my mom and dad and brother and Emmy that I was gonna leave, I didn't know how, but I was done.
By Wednesday, he was back to nice and lovey dovey. I told my family that I was gonna just start saving my money so I could go.
Then, Friday came.
Him and his manager, Lucas, started drinking early on Friday. Whatever happened, happened.
Lucas ended up first waving his .38 from his side of the counter and threatening to shoot Doug in the kneecap. When Doug egged him on (shocking, I know) Lucas put that loaded, cocked .38 to Doug's forehead. According to Doug (which maybe I should get Lucas's side...) it was held there for about 20-30 seconds.
After which, (he gives no dialog or explanation here) Doug goes outside for a smoke break.
When he comes back in, he hears Lucas firing off rounds into what ended up being the back wall of the shop.
Doug does not call the cops. He does tell me weird shit, and shows me pictures of shell casings on what must be the floor of the shop.
So, Monday, I almost killed myself and was ready to kill him, Friday, one of the sweetest kids I know held a gun to his head.
Here we are, 10 days later.
I had taken off my wedding ring that day in the ravine. I put it back on after his brush with death.
It's been awesome to hear how much he appreciates life now, but I need to shut up.
I can't fucking matter to this person, all he does is suck me dry for everything he can. He did it again yesterday, he will just keep doing it. He does not care about me, at all, except to use me.
So, I was supposed to get my new kitten, James, the Monday after the camping trip. They wanted to wait at least another week. I had thought I decided to not get a kitten now. I mean, things are very unstable - in lots of ways... I told Micah and Doug and Emmy I wasn't going to get him. It didn't help when Adam Peter's came by and told us about the kitten he just rescued that day on James road. He and his son named it James.
So, there I was, 2 days after Adam Peters, waiting for Doug to get done with his therapy appointment (which, thankfully, Suzy paid for) when my phone buzzes, "I just got back into town, do you want me to get your kitten?" And then, at the same moment, my mother - "do they have any more kittens?"
So, I met her an hour later in the church parking lot on Cliffside. She was carrying 2 kittens.
I took them both.
Now, it's the next Thursday.
I've been up all night, waiting to hear what's happening with mom. Is she getting moved to osu, or what...
Doug went through a whole, "pancakes taste better" phase. I had hopes. I put my ring back on to support him.
It's not gonna happen, his home is with his mommy, this house he claims is his I'm supposed to care for, clean... he did get Suzy to pay for July's rent.
I wish I had taken enough pills this time.
I'm married to a man that won't even scratch my back when I ask him to (literally). He doesn't even notice that I'm wearing the dress that's on the rack in front of him. He doesn't care for our home, or me, at all.
What could I have done better? I wish I knew.
It's never going to get better. I can't help him.
I wish he would just go back to Stanwood and leave me alone. I was wishing he'd die. Then Lucas held a gun to his head. (Insert awkward feelings)
I'm fucking done.
Give me something, universe... I guess I got James
