roots and branches

My mind is blown right now. 

I know I should write -  I'm trying to get it together

Lit a cigarette... deep breaths 

Damn.   Wow. 

Ok

So

I decided to find my grandma on the daughters of the American revolution site like 2 hours or so ago.   Since then,  I've found so many - so much - incredible amounts of information... the daisy chain that leads to me. 

I've saved,  screen-shotted, bookmarked.   Holy crow. 

It's incredible.   There's so much. 

I don't know how to - I don't have the words to say what I feel right now.   

I've seen their names,  graves,  read stories,  more than I can process.  

Of course, this is only a minimal dabbling.   The roots are even more numerous than I can ever imagine. 

That was alot to take in

I'm not sure I really grasp it all just yet. 

Because he loved her, and then their son loved another's daughter, and their daughter fell in love with another's son.... do I exist. 

Grateful doesn't work. 

Amazed is closer 

What were they like?

I found a picture of my father's mother's,  mother's parents.   My great - great grandparents - at least two of them.   I must admit resemblances to me and the family I knew. 

I'm intimidated by the amount of research it takes to follow every line.  I really am. 

The roots run deep.   We've been here since the 1600s.  Which is nothing in the whole of human history... but really something in American history. 

Just wow.   

I am really glad it occurred to me to do this tonight.   I feel overwhelmed with love and pride and connection...

May the lord help me to continue to learn,  understand,  and remember my earthly creators

Humbling,  provoking,  encouraging

If I may,  thank you,  grandmas and grandpas.   I can't wait to learn more about you.   I'm sorry I'm a complete fuck up.   

This is too much for me tonight

Yep, I made it about me.  Of course.  Because that's what humans do.

You all came through and made and raised and fed and taught and disciplined and clothed and nursed and schooled and continued on... generation after generation....

Just

Thank you.  

Love you.

Goodnight

Phone calls to my sister

Jesus.

I wish I could talk to you.  Almost 18 years later.  I still wish I could call you everyday. 

Our family is not ok.  Your kid is running rampant.  Emily has everyone backed into a corner.

There was never a time since you left that we didn't need you.

 I'm not cut out to be the oldest.  I can't fill your shoes.

Mom and dad are getting old, they're both sick.  Adam is doing the best he can, after a shit load of rough times.  I'm pretty sure I'm always gonna be a fuck up.

Oh please come back.  I can't tell you how horribly I wish you could just come back.  I miss you, more than you could ever imagine. 

I don't think we are doing ok without you.  We've tried for almost 18 years.   We're not ok.

Please just take us to a different time line where you are still here.  Please come back.  

I'm not what they need.

I'm never going to be you.

regret

Very recently I've come to accept that I am talented.  It fucking breaks my heart to even write that.  Here we go, even worse... I am a musical genius.  

Gross.

I have to accept it, just to believe that I can save my work for someone else to hear.  Just to believe that I can help teach other people what I've learned and tortured myself with.  Just to save their regrets, and release my own.  And to give my gift to those who would appreciate it.  It's so hard.  

It's so hard to believe those things and not be an ego maniac.  In fact, most of my time and energy is spent on service to others.  I think that's how I'm able to reconcile it all.  I'm obligated to share my gift.  To share it, I have to own it.  

For years, I destroyed most records of my work.  I never believed it was good enough and would just be ignored, annoying, awkward...

Now, I see that it is my responsibility to do this.  Whether I feel "special" or "gross".  It's my cross to bear.  And I have been.

Today, in a few hours, I plan to share some of my most beautiful work with my parents.  The people who paid for my instruments and teachers.  I am terrified.  I think my dad will love it, I think my mother will too but she won't let herself show it.

I think I'm driving my love away.  He was better off in his own world without me to shine next to him.  He is a genius, beautiful, talented.  He has yet to accept himself.  I owe him everything.  He pushed me to who I am now.  I talk with him and try to help him accept who he is and stop fighting it.  The past few days, it's made him very sick.  And I can't find a way to help him feel better.

Regrets.  I regret that I am struggling with this, and have forever.  I regret that my mom and my love feel like they don't shine because I do (like my sister).  I regret that I let their discomfort alter my work.  I regret everyone I've hurt.  

I wish I knew how I look to other people.  Why my students are intimidated by me.  Why the people I admire don't seem like they like my work.  I wish I knew how to share better.  I wish I could understand the right way to do all this.  

I am ready to know how to handle it.  I wonder if I even get it or if I'm really just a poser.

Maybe it'll get better.  I pray it all goes well.