I want a home again

There are so many, oddly rhyming, words I've repeated to myself

Shame

Blame

Claim

Name

Pain

Game

Flames

You get the point

I've always struggled with home duties, including bills, dishes, chores, etc... and how to get the other adults I share a home with to do their part all by themselves.   At this time, the struggle continues. 

I can't do it anymore though.  I want a home.

I'm doing it for me.

First paycheck

So,  I asked if I could get contacts after years of not having them.   I said it would be great to see proper again. 

I thought I'd get put off

His first check today,  he sends me 300$ to go get my eyeballs fixed. 

No man besides my father has ever paid for my care.  

Holy fuck juice. 

today is great - I gotta get this off my chest

They were both alone for so long

It kills me to think about it. 

Weeks!!!  Fucking weeks!!!

I feel so many things

If someone had been there,  would they both still be here?  If someone had been with Michael, they could have helped him get his insulin.   If someone had been with Jeremy, 

I wish I had been

Death gets more familiar to accept as we experience more and more losses

Uncle Rusty says,  "you gotta stop making a big deal of it,  it just gets worse"

Funny,  I thought I had been doing better than the worst time.   Much better. 

Everything is always exactly as it should be. 

I suppose that includes knowing damn well if I had been there,  sigh

For fucks sake - weeks!!!

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry 

I love you,  Michael

May your spirit rest in peace,  that is - when it's ready

I love you,  Jeremy

May your spirit rest in peace,  it's what you were always missing

Thank you for loving me. ❤️ may I always remember. 

he poured water all over me

I'm sorry,  Michael.   It looks like I was the wrong choice.   When he was working,  I actually started to feel like he liked me.   

Now that he's not,  I think he actually dumped me last night. 

It seems that our friendship/ partnership/ love has become toxic.   I'm sure I'm responsible. 

Well...

It just sucks.   I feel like nothing is ever about anyone but him.   The things I want/ need from him have always been and continue to be summarily dismissed. 

He says terrible things with every breath. 

He's not happy,  and honestly,  I've all but given up. 

I'm lonely.  I can't care about my life or our home - I would be a fool.   

There is literally nothing I can do,  it seems. 

I did my best,  Michael.   What am I missing?

10 years now.

I love him.   I wish (as I always have) I didn't have to ask my partner to be a partner.   That's gotta be something I righteously fuck up.  Like,  my whole life. 

He's not happy.  He hates this life. 

I'm not happy either.   

Cue radiohead song

I'm not sure if I want out.  It seems he does. 

Unceremoniously dumped.   

I hope he can find whatever it is he would enjoy. 

I'll think about it tomorrow.