strawberry fields

Is anything real?

We've been bantered about and forced to face agreed upon realities for so long. 

Can we even tell anymore?

What difference does it make?

Where is home?

Why can't I get there?

fuck being stuck

I've been overwhelmed and stuck for so many years.  

I know I have.

I've struggled, to no avail.

Time has been squandered, resources unmanaged, choices unchecked, plans abandoned.

It's enough now.  Enough.

I am talented, strong, determined, capable, adaptable, able to do whatever I'd like.

I pray I figure out what that is again.

I need to connect with a goal.  I need a project that isn't a horrible pressing "have-to".  I need something I care about.

Fuck.

I've forgotten myself.

birthdays

Today I turn 46.  Older than I ever imagined.  But, possibly, only half way through my life.

I always celebrate my "last day" the day before my birthday.  My "last day" of 45 this year.  I won 2 chess matches, lost 0.  I won 2 pinball games, and lost 3.  I caught up with an old friend and celebrated our 10 year friendiversary.   

I sang, I planned a trip to do route 66 with an acquaintance I'd like to make a friend.  I loved on a 10 week old shibu inu puppy.  I taught 5 students, and coached 2 more.  I made it home safely.

I wrote in my journal.  I tried to read my tarot cards, but I felt off.  I brushed out dreadlocks from a good friend's depression hair.  I made a new cat friend, I saw two dog friend's and two cat friends outside my house.

I saw a rose gold full moon rise.

I apologized for interrupting and listened as well as I could.  

I left my husband to be depressed in bed and tried not to let it bother me.

I did my best.  Now I need to nap.

Goodbye 45.

Hello 46!