The Irrationality of Grief - or Something

I have recently lost my closest friend ever.  My dog.

I have never had a dog before.  We were truly attached at the hip.  She had some special needs, and because of that, I took her to work almost everyday.  She slept with me every night.  We did everything together.

When she started really acting funny, I didn't see it as something that meant the end was coming.  I talked with trainers, and then took her to neurolgical vets.  Where I still didn't get that I would have to part with her. 
After all the medicine didn't work, it became clear that she really was sick.  She had a brain tumor, and I would be saving her from further pain and incapacitation if I did the humane thing and sent her over the rainbow bridge.

So, one Sunday morning, after a full day goes bucket list day the day before, and with her whole family with her, that's what we did.

I still think she's going to be here when I get home.  It's been 7 weeks.  I still think I hear her collar rattle.  I still think she's in the backseat of the car sometimes. 
But the worst is, I just can't wait to see her again. 

She made me feel so safe and loved.  She never judged me, yelled at me, or expected more from me than I gave her.  She always accepted my love and time however it was.  And was always so happy to have it.  I miss her so much, it's ridiculous.

I don't know how irrational it is, I just can't wait til I don't have to miss her anymore.  This is just too hard.  I cry nearly every morning still, Everytime I see a picture of her, and almost Everytime I leave my work.  Without her to go with me to lock up and go, it's just horrible. 

I know I am very lucky to have had someone in my world I miss this much.  But that doesn't make me feel anything other than wishing she was still here.

I hate cancer.

In Australia, there is free veterinary medicine.  They would have taken that murderous tumor from my best friend, and she'd still be here.  Happy to have coffee with me this morning.  Even if I woke up late.

Within

I have been suffering for a while with myself. 
Seems I turn it in then out then in... It goes on and on.
The truth is that I'm suffering at my own hand.  Whether I always recognize it or not.

I owe myself, and those around me better than that. 

I resolve to be responsible.

Much Love.