This has been a thing for me since very early on.
When you can't sleep, and you live with other people, there comes a time in the night when you try hard not to wake them. There's no piano playing, no hammer nailing, minimal floor board wailing. It's a game of hide and hopefully they won't seek.
I used to learn to do new things in the middle of the night. I taught myself to see, paint, use sign language, write poetry. Now, I just sit up and wait for the awake time. I used to sometimes pray, to God, to Mary, to Jesus. I even fancied that angels would visit me. I used to do breathing exercises and muscle tightening loosening moves. I used to read books. I've gotten a lot of who I am from not being able to sleep, and being able to pretend like I had the next day.
Maybe I should go back to the way I was. I've made my own space recently. Maybe, on these sleepless nights, I should continue to learn - to practice - to expand. I fear so much disturbing anyone else, I've given up on quite a lot.
When I have had to lay next to another, wide awake, hearing them go deeper and deeper into their resting rhythms, I would meditate. I would thank each atom and electron in my physical form. I would pray and focus protection on my people. I would pray for peace in the world. I would take 100 deep, square, 10 count breaths. Sometimes, I would finally go to sleep. Sometimes, the bittersweet sound of the alarm would come and I would rise, unsure if I had touched the other realm.
Maybe I should exercise more. I used to take long walks at night. First solo, then with Kojo and Laurel, and then Frankie. Sometimes after those walks, I could sleep. I used to sing and dance for hours and go eat eggs at 3 am. Sometimes after those nights I could sleep.
I don't know.
I don't know why sometimes, I can sleep, and others I just can't. I don't know why I get so uncomfortable in my own home when I can't. I doubt it will ever change (the sleeping part). I hope I can change the discomfort part. God knows how it could be if I was ok with being creative or constructive while I just can't sleep.
I'm sure I'll keep working on it.
