regret

Very recently I've come to accept that I am talented.  It fucking breaks my heart to even write that.  Here we go, even worse... I am a musical genius.  

Gross.

I have to accept it, just to believe that I can save my work for someone else to hear.  Just to believe that I can help teach other people what I've learned and tortured myself with.  Just to save their regrets, and release my own.  And to give my gift to those who would appreciate it.  It's so hard.  

It's so hard to believe those things and not be an ego maniac.  In fact, most of my time and energy is spent on service to others.  I think that's how I'm able to reconcile it all.  I'm obligated to share my gift.  To share it, I have to own it.  

For years, I destroyed most records of my work.  I never believed it was good enough and would just be ignored, annoying, awkward...

Now, I see that it is my responsibility to do this.  Whether I feel "special" or "gross".  It's my cross to bear.  And I have been.

Today, in a few hours, I plan to share some of my most beautiful work with my parents.  The people who paid for my instruments and teachers.  I am terrified.  I think my dad will love it, I think my mother will too but she won't let herself show it.

I think I'm driving my love away.  He was better off in his own world without me to shine next to him.  He is a genius, beautiful, talented.  He has yet to accept himself.  I owe him everything.  He pushed me to who I am now.  I talk with him and try to help him accept who he is and stop fighting it.  The past few days, it's made him very sick.  And I can't find a way to help him feel better.

Regrets.  I regret that I am struggling with this, and have forever.  I regret that my mom and my love feel like they don't shine because I do (like my sister).  I regret that I let their discomfort alter my work.  I regret everyone I've hurt.  

I wish I knew how I look to other people.  Why my students are intimidated by me.  Why the people I admire don't seem like they like my work.  I wish I knew how to share better.  I wish I could understand the right way to do all this.  

I am ready to know how to handle it.  I wonder if I even get it or if I'm really just a poser.

Maybe it'll get better.  I pray it all goes well.