baby brother

He couldn't go camping with us because he was "broke".

Somehow,  we ended up talking for hours.   

Not the first time,  for sure,  hopefully not the last. 

I'm just gonna free flow here... if I can manage to even do that

Is it love I feel for him,  or is it protection?  Is there a difference?

How does he not get how much of my daily life was protecting him,  teaching him,  helping him... it's it my fault that I feel like he took me for granted?

Bullet

Promises are made to be broken,  he said,  bullets are cheap. 

Why

Why does any of this mean anything?  Why do I feel the need to feel?

He started yelling about,  maybe 2 hours before he finally melted down and went off the deep end. 

None of this shit can be changed,  the past is the past.   I can't protect him from it. 

Why 

Why does any of this mean anything?

Is that being human?  What good does it do?

How could anyone have a "perfect" life?  What does that even mean?  Who decides what the standards are to be perfect?  Who tells us when things have fallen short?

Discord and resolve

Bitter and sweet

Hot and cold

Unpopular opinion,  everything is exactly as it should be.  

Tough to really swallow

I struggle

Conscious experience/existance/awareness 

Incredible,  fucking crazy

Deal with it. 

who decided we should avoid feeling "bad" at all costs, and instead, strive for only "what seemingly pass as pure joy

who decided we should avoid feeling "bad" at all costs,  and instead, somehow encouraged us to strive for only what seemingly pass as moments of "pure joy", thus condemning any lessor metriculated moments cast in to the Bog of Eternal Stench, thus being forever relegated as shameful,  horrifying,  abhorrent or,  (for you youngsters) cringey or uncomfy....

Sorry,  Midge

Well,  here's a thought...

Why should anything ever rob me of my enjoyment and experience of a moment of my conscious existence... 

Aren't terribly heart wrenching works of art even more profound than works of joy?

(Good time to mention: these statements are only the opinion of the author,  are not fact checked,  and are not intended to be anything other than free communication to those that would hear.   Please forgive any unintentional potentially offensive script,  or don't... that's fine too)

Why is feeling bad bad?

Why arent we allowed to embrace the other

The full spectrums and octaves and

The shadows and shapes 

How many breaths it takes

Maybe it's my chip to lose 

To lose

To lose

Ahh, 

Not to sore 

There's so much more

We're waiting, waiting,  waiting,  waiting, waiting 

<Isn't music something>

I Wonder Which Part of Adulting this is...

The older I get, the more I know for sure that no one wants to hear about my bullshit.  They don't benefit from me being emotional, or happy, or hopefully, or broken...  really, it's best if I just shut the fuck up.

What's cool is, for me - I don't want them to anymore.  I'd rather they knew nothing about me.  So much quieter that way.  

Temperance 

Mom, when Sarah told her, "your daughter's on the phone!", answered, "which one?".

Oh how I miss Michael and Jeremy!  And so, so many just as dear.  Beyond grateful for those that continue on.  

A cigarette would be nice.

bff 2

​​@Vanneelyvlogs ​@Vanneelyvlogs   I haven't been out there since 2018 (i think)

My bff lived near Griffith Park.

I hiked my chubby,  little,  hobbit ass up that whole thing - while he pranced in front of me like Pan himself (all 145 of his 6'2" hyper,  skinny body)

I almost died.   But I made it.   All the way to the observatory.  

I was pretty furious when i saw most people drive up the other side.   But,  whatever.

After a bit,  he had me go straight down through the brush.   I think there was some house that was in AHS, or Stranger Things or something he wanted me to see.

We went to where you could kind of see it,  and then my beloved BFF decides we're just gonna go straight down from there.

About halfway,  i realize that this is where people get killed by mountain lions,  rattlesnakes,  weirdos...

I decide that i should just keep my little hobbit shuffle going with no such worries in my heart.

We get to the bottom,  he says, "I'm really impressed!  I can't believe you did all that!"

My skin is already burnt.   I had just gotten in from January in Ohio like,  2 1/2, 3 hours before.   I haven't seen the sun since at least September.

Another aside, if you'll grant me:
He picked me up at the airport around 6:30/7 that morning.   We hadn't seen each other in quite a long time.  

As requested,  he took me straight to the beach.   When we got settled,  watching the ocean (my first time back to the pacific since i was a little kid) he handed me my first,  medical grade,  legal joint.

I lit it,  coughed,  took another hit - passed it to David.   He hit it,  handed it back - I hit it again...
We watched the ocean quietly for years.   We were so happy to be with each other again.  

At any rate,  i was definitely stoned.

Some things never change...

Anyways,  that was almost the last time i was out there.

I haven't seen much of what's happened since the fires,  or the homeless crises.

I'll be sure to check out more of your work

bff 1

​@Vanneelyvlogs   I haven't been out there since 2018 (i think)

My bff lived near Griffith Park.

I hiked my chubby,  little,  hobbit ass up that whole thing - while he pranced in front of me like Pan himself (all 145 of his 6'2" hyper,  skinny body)

I almost died.   But I made it.   All the way to the observatory.  

I was pretty furious when i saw most people drive up the other side.   But,  whatever.

After a bit,  he had me go straight down through the brush.   I think there was some house that was in AHS, or Stranger Things or something he wanted me to see.

We went to where you could kind of see it,  and then my beloved BFF decides we're just gonna go straight down from there.

About halfway,  i realize that this is where people get killed by mountain lions,  rattlesnakes,  weirdos...

I decide that i should just keep my little hobbit shuffle going with no such worries in my heart.

We get to the bottom,  he says, "I'm really impressed!  I can't believe you did all that!"

My skin is already burnt.   I had just gotten in from January in Ohio like,  2 1/2, 3 hours before.   I haven't seen the sun since at least September.

Another aside, if you'll grant me:
He picked me up at the airport around 6:30/7 that morning.   We hadn't seen each other in quite a long time.  

As requested,  he took me straight to the beach.   When we got settled,  watching the ocean (my first time back to the pacific since i was a little kid) he handed me my first,  medical grade,  legal joint.

I lit it,  coughed,  took another hit - passed it to David.   He hit it,  handed it back - I hit it again...
We watched the ocean quietly for years.   We were so happy to be with each other again.  

time to start a physical diary again

Things are very strange right now. 

Pope Francis died,  a couple of hours after VP Vance came to visit him. 

The order was given to lower the flags to half mast for a week to mourn his passing.   

Odd, firstly: separation of church (especially that one) and state... anybody?

And secondly: President Carter was due to have a week of national mourning when he passed,  as is standard procedure (and I believe outlined somewhere), including the flags be held at half mast.  This did not happen. 

That's just one weird thing. 

They abolished the department of education,  npr,  pbs, nea.  Honestly,  I've lost track of all of it.  

Eisenhower warned us.   

It was already too late. 

There's still active camps full of migrant children being illegally detained without charge and separated from their parents with no contact.  That's an Obama thing,  I believe. 

Remember when Clinton was impeached,  but no one cared?

How about when they drafted our boys, who couldn't yet drink or vote,  to fight in what was never more than,  "a police action"?

What about when the streets were flooded with Crack?  Or Aids?  Or Heroin?  Or Covid?  Or Immigrants?  Or Homeless?  Or Savages?

I want a home again

There are so many, oddly rhyming, words I've repeated to myself

Shame

Blame

Claim

Name

Pain

Game

Flames

You get the point

I've always struggled with home duties, including bills, dishes, chores, etc... and how to get the other adults I share a home with to do their part all by themselves.   At this time, the struggle continues. 

I can't do it anymore though.  I want a home.

I'm doing it for me.

First paycheck

So,  I asked if I could get contacts after years of not having them.   I said it would be great to see proper again. 

I thought I'd get put off

His first check today,  he sends me 300$ to go get my eyeballs fixed. 

No man besides my father has ever paid for my care.  

Holy fuck juice. 

today is great - I gotta get this off my chest

They were both alone for so long

It kills me to think about it. 

Weeks!!!  Fucking weeks!!!

I feel so many things

If someone had been there,  would they both still be here?  If someone had been with Michael, they could have helped him get his insulin.   If someone had been with Jeremy, 

I wish I had been

Death gets more familiar to accept as we experience more and more losses

Uncle Rusty says,  "you gotta stop making a big deal of it,  it just gets worse"

Funny,  I thought I had been doing better than the worst time.   Much better. 

Everything is always exactly as it should be. 

I suppose that includes knowing damn well if I had been there,  sigh

For fucks sake - weeks!!!

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry 

I love you,  Michael

May your spirit rest in peace,  that is - when it's ready

I love you,  Jeremy

May your spirit rest in peace,  it's what you were always missing

Thank you for loving me. ❤️ may I always remember. 

he poured water all over me

I'm sorry,  Michael.   It looks like I was the wrong choice.   When he was working,  I actually started to feel like he liked me.   

Now that he's not,  I think he actually dumped me last night. 

It seems that our friendship/ partnership/ love has become toxic.   I'm sure I'm responsible. 

Well...

It just sucks.   I feel like nothing is ever about anyone but him.   The things I want/ need from him have always been and continue to be summarily dismissed. 

He says terrible things with every breath. 

He's not happy,  and honestly,  I've all but given up. 

I'm lonely.  I can't care about my life or our home - I would be a fool.   

There is literally nothing I can do,  it seems. 

I did my best,  Michael.   What am I missing?

10 years now.

I love him.   I wish (as I always have) I didn't have to ask my partner to be a partner.   That's gotta be something I righteously fuck up.  Like,  my whole life. 

He's not happy.  He hates this life. 

I'm not happy either.   

Cue radiohead song

I'm not sure if I want out.  It seems he does. 

Unceremoniously dumped.   

I hope he can find whatever it is he would enjoy. 

I'll think about it tomorrow. 

snitchy borderline ghetto neighbors

Oh, oops

I think you 

Must be confused

The original game

The original rules 

Oh,  shoot

Did I mean to

Offend you

Well,  did I?

Defend yourself then,  

Defend yourself then

Defend 

Defend

And then

Do what we all did

Be cocky and sure

Believe you have something

Noones ever seen before

Queens knight opens the match

You're so mature to hold the chuckles back

Confidence is shining from your brow

It makes each moment more juicy somehow

G

A

M

E

E

M

A

G

M

A

G

E

What can it mean

G

A

M

E

E

M

A

G

M

A

G

E

Isn't it something?

roots and branches

My mind is blown right now. 

I know I should write -  I'm trying to get it together

Lit a cigarette... deep breaths 

Damn.   Wow. 

Ok

So

I decided to find my grandma on the daughters of the American revolution site like 2 hours or so ago.   Since then,  I've found so many - so much - incredible amounts of information... the daisy chain that leads to me. 

I've saved,  screen-shotted, bookmarked.   Holy crow. 

It's incredible.   There's so much. 

I don't know how to - I don't have the words to say what I feel right now.   

I've seen their names,  graves,  read stories,  more than I can process.  

Of course, this is only a minimal dabbling.   The roots are even more numerous than I can ever imagine. 

That was alot to take in

I'm not sure I really grasp it all just yet. 

Because he loved her, and then their son loved another's daughter, and their daughter fell in love with another's son.... do I exist. 

Grateful doesn't work. 

Amazed is closer 

What were they like?

I found a picture of my father's mother's,  mother's parents.   My great - great grandparents - at least two of them.   I must admit resemblances to me and the family I knew. 

I'm intimidated by the amount of research it takes to follow every line.  I really am. 

The roots run deep.   We've been here since the 1600s.  Which is nothing in the whole of human history... but really something in American history. 

Just wow.   

I am really glad it occurred to me to do this tonight.   I feel overwhelmed with love and pride and connection...

May the lord help me to continue to learn,  understand,  and remember my earthly creators

Humbling,  provoking,  encouraging

If I may,  thank you,  grandmas and grandpas.   I can't wait to learn more about you.   I'm sorry I'm a complete fuck up.   

This is too much for me tonight

Yep, I made it about me.  Of course.  Because that's what humans do.

You all came through and made and raised and fed and taught and disciplined and clothed and nursed and schooled and continued on... generation after generation....

Just

Thank you.  

Love you.

Goodnight

what's in a requiem?

Uncle Rusty says I should "get used to it", my friends dying. 

Anyways,  he's almost 79, I'm 47.

I have no regrets getting to know,  live and love those that are now gone.   

When asked what happens when we die,  Keanu said,  "The only thing I know for sure: is that people that love us will miss us."

It seems that no matter how many years have passed,  this will continue to hold true. 

Sometimes,  I can't stand how my elders didn't tell me about their daily grief and remembrances.   I'm sure they must have had them; those daily reminders of loss and absence of those we love. 

They didn't tell me.  

Maybe they didn't want to. 

Maybe they wanted to protect my child's brain. 

Maybe, they were still children within,  and had no idea how to prepare me for the resounding,  tortuous, unyielding heartbreak that comes when someone you love,  admire,  worship and fear dies. 

What would they have said anyways?

Is not like they could have described the shock,  followed by sadness,  followed by denial and longing, laced with reminders that they really are dead,  no matter how impossible...

No

No one could tell another how to prepare. 

Goodbye,  Jeremy.   My little brother.   My friend. Please forgive me for not knowing how to protect you from your demons.   I saw them,  but I couldn't dispatch of them.   I only wish I had been able to. 

I never lied to you,  I never took from you,  I never used you,  if only that mattered. 

43.

I would rub your shaved head and tell you I loved you.   Every time but the last,  you said you lived me back. 

I would hold your hand and listen to you. 

I would worry about you. 

I would ask you to go with me places. 

I would help with your home and gardens. 

I saw you break

Over and over

More and more

Deeper and worse 

You traveled to every possible plain seeking the answers to finally quiet your demons.  

You did 

Every. 

Single. 

Thing. 

Everyone left you. 

Those final moments.   I dream of them. 

I can only hope they weren't what I imagine.

Horrific,  terrible,  fuck

I love you still,  little brother.  How very special were we to get to be in the same space at the same time. 

Let your soul and mind and body be at peace.   May you finally have rest and solace. 

I loved you. 

I love you still. 

Say hi to everyone for me - I'll be there with you sooner or later, maybe I can have gluten in that next place. 

Fuck. 

I love you,  be good.