I've organized charity drives and gone caroling. I've helped my parents pull it all together. I've witnessed many a meltdown and come out holding hands with the poor soul who needed a boost.
Then I met D.
D is supposed to be my life partner, my compatriot at arms. Instead, he tells me how awful I am that I can't handle his terribly abusive and horrible behavior around the holidays.
This will be our 7th Christmas together. It may very well be the last. I don't need someone to drag me down and make me sad all the time. I don't need someone to invalidate me and embarrass me. I don't need someone to tell me I'm bad because I want to be joyful.
Honestly, I don't need anyone but my kids.
I've tried so hard to help him, but he can never admit that I have. I've tried so hard to support him, but he rejects me at every turn. I know I've been hardwired to seek out abusive relationships. I've done a lot of work, therapy, growing. I'm don with abuse.
I want to be joyful. I want to experience beauty and peace. I think it's time to accept that I can't care for him and be joyful at the same time.
I wanted our little family to work. I love his mom and dad and sister. They love me and my kids. I'm honestly done ignoring and forgiving his behavior for the sake of peace.
This year, I will be performing a lot. I will do my best for my family. I wish he would be a part of it, but I have my doubts.
I'm done feeling so unsure. It isn't working for me at all. I want to be safe, healthy, secure, trusting, focused together... or not at all.
I don't need to be pushed down. I need to ha e someone beside me to build us up together. I have always chosen poorly. I don't know how to change this one at this point. He is what he is, and he doesn't feel the need to apologize for that.
It's my fault. I'm sorry I've wasted his and his family's time.
Oh well.
Bring on the holidays, I pray no return of the hollow daze.
Love you ❤️
