why is this happening?

Another mass shooting today.   This one was at a Wal-Mart.   I can't even imagine what that was like.   I hope I never find out. 

I wish I understood what drives the people who actually flip out and bring a gun to the movies or school or Wal-Mart.  Are they protesting something?  Are they hypnotized?  

I recall a time in my life that nearly all killings were committed by people who knew their victim.   Bombings happened,  but not very often,  and they were for a reason ... and terrible. 

What is the motivating factor for these nearly daily mass shootings?

What do they want?

I need a hug

It's so hard accepting that I can't get what I need from D.  It's so hard knowing that he sees himself as better than my weak displays if needing emotional support.   

I know it's late, and I should be sleeping.  I have my first lesson to teach at 10 am.   I'm so sad.

I'm so lonely.

I don't want to be sad and lonely anymore while I'm taking care of someone who thinks I'm not valid.  I know I brought this on myself.

What do I do now?  How do I fix/end this madness.  I know this is not working for me.  

I need a hug.  He won't give me one come hell or high water.  He's too busy being right.  

We're both 45 years old.  When does it end?  The precious righteousness of pre-pubescence?  I'm over it... will he ever be?

Why can't I receive the same love and understanding I do my best to give?

I'm so lonely.

I need a hug.

pity poor me

I flip off your closed door .. what should be our bedroom door... with both hands.   Begging for you to not be like everyone else.  Silently screaming for you to give a shit about me.  

I know it won't do any good.  I know you are all my fault.  I know I can't change anything.

Except myself.

I'm ready to be loved, supported and appreciated.  I'm ready to be heard and respected and validated.

I wish you would be able to do those things.

I don't know that you can.

I'll take the blame for it.  

I've got to have what I need.

You do you,  boo.  I am finally ready to do me.

holidays, hollowdaze and triggers

The holidays are approaching fast.  I used to love the Christmas season.  I loved everything about it.  Wrapping gifts, cooking big meals, setting long tables for the family.  Playing Santa for my kids, working hard to get someone I loved something they really wanted.  The music, the decorations, the lights, even the fights.  I really loved them so much.

I've organized charity drives and gone caroling.   I've helped my parents pull it all together.  I've witnessed many a meltdown and come out holding hands with the poor soul who needed a boost.

Then I met D.

D is supposed to be my life partner, my compatriot at arms.  Instead, he tells me how awful I am that I can't handle his terribly abusive and horrible behavior around the holidays.

This will be our 7th Christmas together.  It may very well be the last.  I don't need someone to drag me down and make me sad all the time.  I don't need someone to invalidate me and embarrass me.  I don't need someone to tell me I'm bad because I want to be joyful.

Honestly, I don't need anyone but my kids.

I've tried so hard to help him, but he can never admit that I have.  I've tried so hard to support him, but he rejects me at every turn.  I know I've been hardwired to seek out abusive relationships.  I've done a lot of work, therapy, growing.  I'm don with abuse.  

I want to be joyful.  I want to experience beauty and peace.  I think it's time to accept that I can't care for him and be joyful at the same time.

I wanted our little family to work.  I love his mom and dad and sister.  They love me and my kids.  I'm honestly done ignoring and forgiving his behavior for the sake of peace.

This year, I will be performing a lot. I will do my best for my family.  I wish he would be a part of it, but I have my doubts.

I'm done feeling so unsure.  It isn't working for me at all.  I want to be safe, healthy, secure, trusting, focused together... or not at all.

I don't need to be pushed down.  I need to ha e someone beside me to build us up together.  I have always chosen poorly.  I don't know how to change this one at this point.  He is what he is, and he doesn't feel the need to apologize for that.

It's my fault.  I'm sorry I've wasted his and his family's time.

Oh well.

Bring on the holidays, I pray no return of the hollow daze.

Love you ❤️ 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Changes are fucking hard.  Oh man.  

It's super bad when you want to change your haircut, it's a whole new level of suckage when your life gets the rug pulled out from beneath your feet.

Sometimes, I wonder how I haven't taken the fast lane to purgatory.  

The past few years have been just as, and honestly, even tougher than I've had to face before.  Why I have to tear apart my whole world every few years is beyond me.

I'm not sure who I should blame for all the ruination.  Clearly, I am the only common denominator.  I am getting better at accepting that.

I've tried so hard to make everyone else happy.  I failed them all, miserably, publicly, and horribly.  I was never concerned with what I actually wanted in life.  I didn't ever think about myself, it was not allowed.  I only ever thought about what I thought everyone I loved and cared for needed and wanted.

Boy, that was not the right answer.

My health has taken a real beating.  Mentally and physically.  My finances have gone up and down again.  My relationships have been a real roller-coaster ride.  

I mean, food allergies, severe chronic pain, long covid, memory loss, severe depression and anxiety, weight gain, hamstring injuries, severe allergies coming out of the woodwork, surgery, massive family disputes, alcohol and drugs, business collapse, eviction, rage attacks, panic attacks, nightmares, ptsd, shame, guilt, pain, failure, defeat and illness.  It's really been something.  

I have fought and fought to do what I thought everyone expected of me, and it's nearly killed me.

I'm ready to do for me.  It's time.