First paycheck

So,  I asked if I could get contacts after years of not having them.   I said it would be great to see proper again. 

I thought I'd get put off

His first check today,  he sends me 300$ to go get my eyeballs fixed. 

No man besides my father has ever paid for my care.  

Holy fuck juice. 

today is great - I gotta get this off my chest

They were both alone for so long

It kills me to think about it. 

Weeks!!!  Fucking weeks!!!

I feel so many things

If someone had been there,  would they both still be here?  If someone had been with Michael, they could have helped him get his insulin.   If someone had been with Jeremy, 

I wish I had been

Death gets more familiar to accept as we experience more and more losses

Uncle Rusty says,  "you gotta stop making a big deal of it,  it just gets worse"

Funny,  I thought I had been doing better than the worst time.   Much better. 

Everything is always exactly as it should be. 

I suppose that includes knowing damn well if I had been there,  sigh

For fucks sake - weeks!!!

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry 

I love you,  Michael

May your spirit rest in peace,  that is - when it's ready

I love you,  Jeremy

May your spirit rest in peace,  it's what you were always missing

Thank you for loving me. ❤️ may I always remember. 

he poured water all over me

I'm sorry,  Michael.   It looks like I was the wrong choice.   When he was working,  I actually started to feel like he liked me.   

Now that he's not,  I think he actually dumped me last night. 

It seems that our friendship/ partnership/ love has become toxic.   I'm sure I'm responsible. 

Well...

It just sucks.   I feel like nothing is ever about anyone but him.   The things I want/ need from him have always been and continue to be summarily dismissed. 

He says terrible things with every breath. 

He's not happy,  and honestly,  I've all but given up. 

I'm lonely.  I can't care about my life or our home - I would be a fool.   

There is literally nothing I can do,  it seems. 

I did my best,  Michael.   What am I missing?

10 years now.

I love him.   I wish (as I always have) I didn't have to ask my partner to be a partner.   That's gotta be something I righteously fuck up.  Like,  my whole life. 

He's not happy.  He hates this life. 

I'm not happy either.   

Cue radiohead song

I'm not sure if I want out.  It seems he does. 

Unceremoniously dumped.   

I hope he can find whatever it is he would enjoy. 

I'll think about it tomorrow. 

snitchy borderline ghetto neighbors

Oh, oops

I think you 

Must be confused

The original game

The original rules 

Oh,  shoot

Did I mean to

Offend you

Well,  did I?

Defend yourself then,  

Defend yourself then

Defend 

Defend

And then

Do what we all did

Be cocky and sure

Believe you have something

Noones ever seen before

Queens knight opens the match

You're so mature to hold the chuckles back

Confidence is shining from your brow

It makes each moment more juicy somehow

G

A

M

E

E

M

A

G

M

A

G

E

What can it mean

G

A

M

E

E

M

A

G

M

A

G

E

Isn't it something?

roots and branches

My mind is blown right now. 

I know I should write -  I'm trying to get it together

Lit a cigarette... deep breaths 

Damn.   Wow. 

Ok

So

I decided to find my grandma on the daughters of the American revolution site like 2 hours or so ago.   Since then,  I've found so many - so much - incredible amounts of information... the daisy chain that leads to me. 

I've saved,  screen-shotted, bookmarked.   Holy crow. 

It's incredible.   There's so much. 

I don't know how to - I don't have the words to say what I feel right now.   

I've seen their names,  graves,  read stories,  more than I can process.  

Of course, this is only a minimal dabbling.   The roots are even more numerous than I can ever imagine. 

That was alot to take in

I'm not sure I really grasp it all just yet. 

Because he loved her, and then their son loved another's daughter, and their daughter fell in love with another's son.... do I exist. 

Grateful doesn't work. 

Amazed is closer 

What were they like?

I found a picture of my father's mother's,  mother's parents.   My great - great grandparents - at least two of them.   I must admit resemblances to me and the family I knew. 

I'm intimidated by the amount of research it takes to follow every line.  I really am. 

The roots run deep.   We've been here since the 1600s.  Which is nothing in the whole of human history... but really something in American history. 

Just wow.   

I am really glad it occurred to me to do this tonight.   I feel overwhelmed with love and pride and connection...

May the lord help me to continue to learn,  understand,  and remember my earthly creators

Humbling,  provoking,  encouraging

If I may,  thank you,  grandmas and grandpas.   I can't wait to learn more about you.   I'm sorry I'm a complete fuck up.   

This is too much for me tonight

Yep, I made it about me.  Of course.  Because that's what humans do.

You all came through and made and raised and fed and taught and disciplined and clothed and nursed and schooled and continued on... generation after generation....

Just

Thank you.  

Love you.

Goodnight

what's in a requiem?

Uncle Rusty says I should "get used to it", my friends dying. 

Anyways,  he's almost 79, I'm 47.

I have no regrets getting to know,  live and love those that are now gone.   

When asked what happens when we die,  Keanu said,  "The only thing I know for sure: is that people that love us will miss us."

It seems that no matter how many years have passed,  this will continue to hold true. 

Sometimes,  I can't stand how my elders didn't tell me about their daily grief and remembrances.   I'm sure they must have had them; those daily reminders of loss and absence of those we love. 

They didn't tell me.  

Maybe they didn't want to. 

Maybe they wanted to protect my child's brain. 

Maybe, they were still children within,  and had no idea how to prepare me for the resounding,  tortuous, unyielding heartbreak that comes when someone you love,  admire,  worship and fear dies. 

What would they have said anyways?

Is not like they could have described the shock,  followed by sadness,  followed by denial and longing, laced with reminders that they really are dead,  no matter how impossible...

No

No one could tell another how to prepare. 

Goodbye,  Jeremy.   My little brother.   My friend. Please forgive me for not knowing how to protect you from your demons.   I saw them,  but I couldn't dispatch of them.   I only wish I had been able to. 

I never lied to you,  I never took from you,  I never used you,  if only that mattered. 

43.

I would rub your shaved head and tell you I loved you.   Every time but the last,  you said you lived me back. 

I would hold your hand and listen to you. 

I would worry about you. 

I would ask you to go with me places. 

I would help with your home and gardens. 

I saw you break

Over and over

More and more

Deeper and worse 

You traveled to every possible plain seeking the answers to finally quiet your demons.  

You did 

Every. 

Single. 

Thing. 

Everyone left you. 

Those final moments.   I dream of them. 

I can only hope they weren't what I imagine.

Horrific,  terrible,  fuck

I love you still,  little brother.  How very special were we to get to be in the same space at the same time. 

Let your soul and mind and body be at peace.   May you finally have rest and solace. 

I loved you. 

I love you still. 

Say hi to everyone for me - I'll be there with you sooner or later, maybe I can have gluten in that next place. 

Fuck. 

I love you,  be good. 

passwords

Ever since she's been gone

I mean, maybe the very next day

I started making my passwords

About her

Her name

The year she was born

Over

And over

Why did I do that?

Did I think I would forget her?

Was it because

She was all I could

Think about?

Did I think

I could invoke her?

That her name would be a guardian

Over my Netflix account?

Fuck.

If only that was enough.