what's in a requiem?

Uncle Rusty says I should "get used to it", my friends dying. 

Anyways,  he's almost 79, I'm 47.

I have no regrets getting to know,  live and love those that are now gone.   

When asked what happens when we die,  Keanu said,  "The only thing I know for sure: is that people that love us will miss us."

It seems that no matter how many years have passed,  this will continue to hold true. 

Sometimes,  I can't stand how my elders didn't tell me about their daily grief and remembrances.   I'm sure they must have had them; those daily reminders of loss and absence of those we love. 

They didn't tell me.  

Maybe they didn't want to. 

Maybe they wanted to protect my child's brain. 

Maybe, they were still children within,  and had no idea how to prepare me for the resounding,  tortuous, unyielding heartbreak that comes when someone you love,  admire,  worship and fear dies. 

What would they have said anyways?

Is not like they could have described the shock,  followed by sadness,  followed by denial and longing, laced with reminders that they really are dead,  no matter how impossible...

No

No one could tell another how to prepare. 

Goodbye,  Jeremy.   My little brother.   My friend. Please forgive me for not knowing how to protect you from your demons.   I saw them,  but I couldn't dispatch of them.   I only wish I had been able to. 

I never lied to you,  I never took from you,  I never used you,  if only that mattered. 

43.

I would rub your shaved head and tell you I loved you.   Every time but the last,  you said you lived me back. 

I would hold your hand and listen to you. 

I would worry about you. 

I would ask you to go with me places. 

I would help with your home and gardens. 

I saw you break

Over and over

More and more

Deeper and worse 

You traveled to every possible plain seeking the answers to finally quiet your demons.  

You did 

Every. 

Single. 

Thing. 

Everyone left you. 

Those final moments.   I dream of them. 

I can only hope they weren't what I imagine.

Horrific,  terrible,  fuck

I love you still,  little brother.  How very special were we to get to be in the same space at the same time. 

Let your soul and mind and body be at peace.   May you finally have rest and solace. 

I loved you. 

I love you still. 

Say hi to everyone for me - I'll be there with you sooner or later, maybe I can have gluten in that next place. 

Fuck. 

I love you,  be good.