he poured water all over me

I'm sorry,  Michael.   It looks like I was the wrong choice.   When he was working,  I actually started to feel like he liked me.   

Now that he's not,  I think he actually dumped me last night. 

It seems that our friendship/ partnership/ love has become toxic.   I'm sure I'm responsible. 

Well...

It just sucks.   I feel like nothing is ever about anyone but him.   The things I want/ need from him have always been and continue to be summarily dismissed. 

He says terrible things with every breath. 

He's not happy,  and honestly,  I've all but given up. 

I'm lonely.  I can't care about my life or our home - I would be a fool.   

There is literally nothing I can do,  it seems. 

I did my best,  Michael.   What am I missing?

10 years now.

I love him.   I wish (as I always have) I didn't have to ask my partner to be a partner.   That's gotta be something I righteously fuck up.  Like,  my whole life. 

He's not happy.  He hates this life. 

I'm not happy either.   

Cue radiohead song

I'm not sure if I want out.  It seems he does. 

Unceremoniously dumped.   

I hope he can find whatever it is he would enjoy. 

I'll think about it tomorrow. 

I need a hug

It's so hard accepting that I can't get what I need from D.  It's so hard knowing that he sees himself as better than my weak displays if needing emotional support.   

I know it's late, and I should be sleeping.  I have my first lesson to teach at 10 am.   I'm so sad.

I'm so lonely.

I don't want to be sad and lonely anymore while I'm taking care of someone who thinks I'm not valid.  I know I brought this on myself.

What do I do now?  How do I fix/end this madness.  I know this is not working for me.  

I need a hug.  He won't give me one come hell or high water.  He's too busy being right.  

We're both 45 years old.  When does it end?  The precious righteousness of pre-pubescence?  I'm over it... will he ever be?

Why can't I receive the same love and understanding I do my best to give?

I'm so lonely.

I need a hug.