passwords

Ever since she's been gone

I mean, maybe the very next day

I started making my passwords

About her

Her name

The year she was born

Over

And over

Why did I do that?

Did I think I would forget her?

Was it because

She was all I could

Think about?

Did I think

I could invoke her?

That her name would be a guardian

Over my Netflix account?

Fuck.

If only that was enough.

Phone calls to my sister

Jesus.

I wish I could talk to you.  Almost 18 years later.  I still wish I could call you everyday. 

Our family is not ok.  Your kid is running rampant.  Emily has everyone backed into a corner.

There was never a time since you left that we didn't need you.

 I'm not cut out to be the oldest.  I can't fill your shoes.

Mom and dad are getting old, they're both sick.  Adam is doing the best he can, after a shit load of rough times.  I'm pretty sure I'm always gonna be a fuck up.

Oh please come back.  I can't tell you how horribly I wish you could just come back.  I miss you, more than you could ever imagine. 

I don't think we are doing ok without you.  We've tried for almost 18 years.   We're not ok.

Please just take us to a different time line where you are still here.  Please come back.  

I'm not what they need.

I'm never going to be you.

the most heartbreaking lesson of my life.

I've taught Drew for 15 years.  Every week, for a half hour.

I used to go to his house.  His mom, Pam, would chat me up, and sometimes not mind if she had to watch Cassi while I taught Drew.

He has played in every recital I've ever held as a teacher.  And she has attended each one.

When my kids or I was sick, she would check in on us.  15 years.   Every week.

8 years after their dog, Gibby, passed away, Pam would still tear up at the mention of her name.  She was the sweetest, kindest, most caring person I think I've ever had the gift of experiencing.  

Pam caught the damn cancer in 2019. In her breast.  It was hard for everyone.  

I can't compare what I felt to what they lived, I just wish I knew what was appropriate to feel.  It killed me to see her sick.  It killed me to know how horrible it was for drew and Brian.  

After covid hit, she beat it.  I was sick, and she checked in on me as often as she could.  

6 weeks ago, the cancer came back.  In her lungs this time.  She didn't want drew to know.

It was so fast.  It wasn't the cancer, but a massive stroke that got her.  I'm not sure how old she was, but she couldn't have been much more than 50.

She was an angel.

She died on Tuesday of last week, that night I left for key west.

Brian said we wouldn't have a lesson, but at 11:20 on Thursday, drew texted me to see if we were going to be on or not.  I apologized, and set up for Saturday morning.

Saturday morning, I forgot.  I set up for Sunday.

Sunday came, and uncle rusty was antsy.  I decided to just do a voice call with drew.  He wanted to choose the songs for his mothers memorial service.

I helped him, and muted my end while I bawled as he played.

Today, we had a lesson.  He broke down.  His heart broke in front of me.

I'm lucky to be able to help this family like this.  

I hope I do some good.