the most heartbreaking lesson of my life.

I've taught Drew for 15 years.  Every week, for a half hour.

I used to go to his house.  His mom, Pam, would chat me up, and sometimes not mind if she had to watch Cassi while I taught Drew.

He has played in every recital I've ever held as a teacher.  And she has attended each one.

When my kids or I was sick, she would check in on us.  15 years.   Every week.

8 years after their dog, Gibby, passed away, Pam would still tear up at the mention of her name.  She was the sweetest, kindest, most caring person I think I've ever had the gift of experiencing.  

Pam caught the damn cancer in 2019. In her breast.  It was hard for everyone.  

I can't compare what I felt to what they lived, I just wish I knew what was appropriate to feel.  It killed me to see her sick.  It killed me to know how horrible it was for drew and Brian.  

After covid hit, she beat it.  I was sick, and she checked in on me as often as she could.  

6 weeks ago, the cancer came back.  In her lungs this time.  She didn't want drew to know.

It was so fast.  It wasn't the cancer, but a massive stroke that got her.  I'm not sure how old she was, but she couldn't have been much more than 50.

She was an angel.

She died on Tuesday of last week, that night I left for key west.

Brian said we wouldn't have a lesson, but at 11:20 on Thursday, drew texted me to see if we were going to be on or not.  I apologized, and set up for Saturday morning.

Saturday morning, I forgot.  I set up for Sunday.

Sunday came, and uncle rusty was antsy.  I decided to just do a voice call with drew.  He wanted to choose the songs for his mothers memorial service.

I helped him, and muted my end while I bawled as he played.

Today, we had a lesson.  He broke down.  His heart broke in front of me.

I'm lucky to be able to help this family like this.  

I hope I do some good.

sonic temple

I haven't been to a full-on, multi-day music festival for probably over 8 years.  

I can't believe Adam and I did this.  It is now going into day 4 (day 5 with the pre-game day).  I've gone through several stages of whiny and bitchy, many shades of intoxication, pulling myself up and making myself go back for more... I am so glad.

I've really missed it.  So much.   The dancing, the singing, the yelling, the lifting off the earth - the absence of pain.

Maybe music overtakes me so much there's no room left for pain.  I feel it later, not at all when I'm letting it take me.  

Oh man, I've missed it all so much.  The people, the sights, the shared experience,  the exchange of energy.

I'm so glad I got to do this.  I can't believe I didn't punk out today.  I was fucking wiped.  Adam and I stayed up till 7 this morning.  (Now yesterday)

He played the harp for hours.  

That was amazing

Tool, suicidal tendencies, Godsmack, avenged sevenfold, chevele, rob zombie, puscifer,  kiss... fuck yeah

Last night,  after the show,  we went to the pizza place.   Some dude named Kevin insisted that I had a piece of his gluten free pizza,  and drink a bottle of water.   I haven't had an experience like that since Ocean helped me out at fall Suwanee in 2002.

I'm so grateful. 

I've gotten to do and see and feel and have so many beautiful moments.   I forgot how much I love it.   I've really missed dancing. 

For tool, Doug and I danced right at the fence by the sound booth.   The wind would come through and blow my hair.   The moon and stars were out.   I've never seen tool outside. 

I danced so hard,  I forgot about everything.   Magical. 

Doug got taken by the music too and left the earth with me.  Just beautiful. 

I'm so grateful for this.  Thankful to the universe and God and music for helping me heal.

playing old familiar pieces

I haven't been playing a lot since we closed the shop.   I miss having my c7, and my perzina.   At home,  I have princess Charlotte's gunther spinet from Belgium,  made in the late 1920's/ early 1930s.  It has some limitations.   

Nevertheless,  I sat down to it tonight,  and played after a long dry spell.   I had beethoven's sonatas and chopin's nocturnes on the desk. 

I played the first two pages of Ludwigs opus 14 no. 2.  It was good.   Then I flipped randomly and sight read some movement of some sonata I'd never heard.   Then,  I tried to get into chopin,  but I just couldn't get into the nocturnes.  In my head,  I was looking for his raindrops prelude.  I didn't have the music for it. 

I got up for a bit.   Came back and played debussey's first arabesque.   Got up again,  and printed out the raindrop prelude.   

When I played it,  it was probably better than I felt like it was.   I couldn't remember the key signature.   I over thought everything.   Fuck. 

I got up.   I came back,  I played it again.   Still not completely happy.   

I started beethoven's pathetique 1st mvt.  I did ok. 

But then,  I kept thinking the key signature was the same as the raindrop.  It's not. 

Fuck.

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

strawberry fields

Is anything real?

We've been bantered about and forced to face agreed upon realities for so long. 

Can we even tell anymore?

What difference does it make?

Where is home?

Why can't I get there?

fuck being stuck

I've been overwhelmed and stuck for so many years.  

I know I have.

I've struggled, to no avail.

Time has been squandered, resources unmanaged, choices unchecked, plans abandoned.

It's enough now.  Enough.

I am talented, strong, determined, capable, adaptable, able to do whatever I'd like.

I pray I figure out what that is again.

I need to connect with a goal.  I need a project that isn't a horrible pressing "have-to".  I need something I care about.

Fuck.

I've forgotten myself.

birthdays

Today I turn 46.  Older than I ever imagined.  But, possibly, only half way through my life.

I always celebrate my "last day" the day before my birthday.  My "last day" of 45 this year.  I won 2 chess matches, lost 0.  I won 2 pinball games, and lost 3.  I caught up with an old friend and celebrated our 10 year friendiversary.   

I sang, I planned a trip to do route 66 with an acquaintance I'd like to make a friend.  I loved on a 10 week old shibu inu puppy.  I taught 5 students, and coached 2 more.  I made it home safely.

I wrote in my journal.  I tried to read my tarot cards, but I felt off.  I brushed out dreadlocks from a good friend's depression hair.  I made a new cat friend, I saw two dog friend's and two cat friends outside my house.

I saw a rose gold full moon rise.

I apologized for interrupting and listened as well as I could.  

I left my husband to be depressed in bed and tried not to let it bother me.

I did my best.  Now I need to nap.

Goodbye 45.

Hello 46!

am I a narcissist?

Am I the narcissist?

Fuck.

Maybe I am. Maybe it's always been me.  

Maybe I'm the one who caused so many problems. Maybe I'm the one that's abusive and controlling. Maybe I'm the one that's been horrible.

Fuck.

Holy fuck.

I can't do this right now.

I'm gonna pray.