bff 2

​​@Vanneelyvlogs ​@Vanneelyvlogs   I haven't been out there since 2018 (i think)

My bff lived near Griffith Park.

I hiked my chubby,  little,  hobbit ass up that whole thing - while he pranced in front of me like Pan himself (all 145 of his 6'2" hyper,  skinny body)

I almost died.   But I made it.   All the way to the observatory.  

I was pretty furious when i saw most people drive up the other side.   But,  whatever.

After a bit,  he had me go straight down through the brush.   I think there was some house that was in AHS, or Stranger Things or something he wanted me to see.

We went to where you could kind of see it,  and then my beloved BFF decides we're just gonna go straight down from there.

About halfway,  i realize that this is where people get killed by mountain lions,  rattlesnakes,  weirdos...

I decide that i should just keep my little hobbit shuffle going with no such worries in my heart.

We get to the bottom,  he says, "I'm really impressed!  I can't believe you did all that!"

My skin is already burnt.   I had just gotten in from January in Ohio like,  2 1/2, 3 hours before.   I haven't seen the sun since at least September.

Another aside, if you'll grant me:
He picked me up at the airport around 6:30/7 that morning.   We hadn't seen each other in quite a long time.  

As requested,  he took me straight to the beach.   When we got settled,  watching the ocean (my first time back to the pacific since i was a little kid) he handed me my first,  medical grade,  legal joint.

I lit it,  coughed,  took another hit - passed it to David.   He hit it,  handed it back - I hit it again...
We watched the ocean quietly for years.   We were so happy to be with each other again.  

At any rate,  i was definitely stoned.

Some things never change...

Anyways,  that was almost the last time i was out there.

I haven't seen much of what's happened since the fires,  or the homeless crises.

I'll be sure to check out more of your work

bff 1

​@Vanneelyvlogs   I haven't been out there since 2018 (i think)

My bff lived near Griffith Park.

I hiked my chubby,  little,  hobbit ass up that whole thing - while he pranced in front of me like Pan himself (all 145 of his 6'2" hyper,  skinny body)

I almost died.   But I made it.   All the way to the observatory.  

I was pretty furious when i saw most people drive up the other side.   But,  whatever.

After a bit,  he had me go straight down through the brush.   I think there was some house that was in AHS, or Stranger Things or something he wanted me to see.

We went to where you could kind of see it,  and then my beloved BFF decides we're just gonna go straight down from there.

About halfway,  i realize that this is where people get killed by mountain lions,  rattlesnakes,  weirdos...

I decide that i should just keep my little hobbit shuffle going with no such worries in my heart.

We get to the bottom,  he says, "I'm really impressed!  I can't believe you did all that!"

My skin is already burnt.   I had just gotten in from January in Ohio like,  2 1/2, 3 hours before.   I haven't seen the sun since at least September.

Another aside, if you'll grant me:
He picked me up at the airport around 6:30/7 that morning.   We hadn't seen each other in quite a long time.  

As requested,  he took me straight to the beach.   When we got settled,  watching the ocean (my first time back to the pacific since i was a little kid) he handed me my first,  medical grade,  legal joint.

I lit it,  coughed,  took another hit - passed it to David.   He hit it,  handed it back - I hit it again...
We watched the ocean quietly for years.   We were so happy to be with each other again.  

time to start a physical diary again

Things are very strange right now. 

Pope Francis died,  a couple of hours after VP Vance came to visit him. 

The order was given to lower the flags to half mast for a week to mourn his passing.   

Odd, firstly: separation of church (especially that one) and state... anybody?

And secondly: President Carter was due to have a week of national mourning when he passed,  as is standard procedure (and I believe outlined somewhere), including the flags be held at half mast.  This did not happen. 

That's just one weird thing. 

They abolished the department of education,  npr,  pbs, nea.  Honestly,  I've lost track of all of it.  

Eisenhower warned us.   

It was already too late. 

There's still active camps full of migrant children being illegally detained without charge and separated from their parents with no contact.  That's an Obama thing,  I believe. 

Remember when Clinton was impeached,  but no one cared?

How about when they drafted our boys, who couldn't yet drink or vote,  to fight in what was never more than,  "a police action"?

What about when the streets were flooded with Crack?  Or Aids?  Or Heroin?  Or Covid?  Or Immigrants?  Or Homeless?  Or Savages?

I want a home again

There are so many, oddly rhyming, words I've repeated to myself

Shame

Blame

Claim

Name

Pain

Game

Flames

You get the point

I've always struggled with home duties, including bills, dishes, chores, etc... and how to get the other adults I share a home with to do their part all by themselves.   At this time, the struggle continues. 

I can't do it anymore though.  I want a home.

I'm doing it for me.

First paycheck

So,  I asked if I could get contacts after years of not having them.   I said it would be great to see proper again. 

I thought I'd get put off

His first check today,  he sends me 300$ to go get my eyeballs fixed. 

No man besides my father has ever paid for my care.  

Holy fuck juice. 

today is great - I gotta get this off my chest

They were both alone for so long

It kills me to think about it. 

Weeks!!!  Fucking weeks!!!

I feel so many things

If someone had been there,  would they both still be here?  If someone had been with Michael, they could have helped him get his insulin.   If someone had been with Jeremy, 

I wish I had been

Death gets more familiar to accept as we experience more and more losses

Uncle Rusty says,  "you gotta stop making a big deal of it,  it just gets worse"

Funny,  I thought I had been doing better than the worst time.   Much better. 

Everything is always exactly as it should be. 

I suppose that includes knowing damn well if I had been there,  sigh

For fucks sake - weeks!!!

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry 

I love you,  Michael

May your spirit rest in peace,  that is - when it's ready

I love you,  Jeremy

May your spirit rest in peace,  it's what you were always missing

Thank you for loving me. ❤️ may I always remember. 

he poured water all over me

I'm sorry,  Michael.   It looks like I was the wrong choice.   When he was working,  I actually started to feel like he liked me.   

Now that he's not,  I think he actually dumped me last night. 

It seems that our friendship/ partnership/ love has become toxic.   I'm sure I'm responsible. 

Well...

It just sucks.   I feel like nothing is ever about anyone but him.   The things I want/ need from him have always been and continue to be summarily dismissed. 

He says terrible things with every breath. 

He's not happy,  and honestly,  I've all but given up. 

I'm lonely.  I can't care about my life or our home - I would be a fool.   

There is literally nothing I can do,  it seems. 

I did my best,  Michael.   What am I missing?

10 years now.

I love him.   I wish (as I always have) I didn't have to ask my partner to be a partner.   That's gotta be something I righteously fuck up.  Like,  my whole life. 

He's not happy.  He hates this life. 

I'm not happy either.   

Cue radiohead song

I'm not sure if I want out.  It seems he does. 

Unceremoniously dumped.   

I hope he can find whatever it is he would enjoy. 

I'll think about it tomorrow.