time to start a physical diary again

Things are very strange right now. 

Pope Francis died,  a couple of hours after VP Vance came to visit him. 

The order was given to lower the flags to half mast for a week to mourn his passing.   

Odd, firstly: separation of church (especially that one) and state... anybody?

And secondly: President Carter was due to have a week of national mourning when he passed,  as is standard procedure (and I believe outlined somewhere), including the flags be held at half mast.  This did not happen. 

That's just one weird thing. 

They abolished the department of education,  npr,  pbs, nea.  Honestly,  I've lost track of all of it.  

Eisenhower warned us.   

It was already too late. 

There's still active camps full of migrant children being illegally detained without charge and separated from their parents with no contact.  That's an Obama thing,  I believe. 

Remember when Clinton was impeached,  but no one cared?

How about when they drafted our boys, who couldn't yet drink or vote,  to fight in what was never more than,  "a police action"?

What about when the streets were flooded with Crack?  Or Aids?  Or Heroin?  Or Covid?  Or Immigrants?  Or Homeless?  Or Savages?

I want a home again

There are so many, oddly rhyming, words I've repeated to myself

Shame

Blame

Claim

Name

Pain

Game

Flames

You get the point

I've always struggled with home duties, including bills, dishes, chores, etc... and how to get the other adults I share a home with to do their part all by themselves.   At this time, the struggle continues. 

I can't do it anymore though.  I want a home.

I'm doing it for me.

First paycheck

So,  I asked if I could get contacts after years of not having them.   I said it would be great to see proper again. 

I thought I'd get put off

His first check today,  he sends me 300$ to go get my eyeballs fixed. 

No man besides my father has ever paid for my care.  

Holy fuck juice. 

today is great - I gotta get this off my chest

They were both alone for so long

It kills me to think about it. 

Weeks!!!  Fucking weeks!!!

I feel so many things

If someone had been there,  would they both still be here?  If someone had been with Michael, they could have helped him get his insulin.   If someone had been with Jeremy, 

I wish I had been

Death gets more familiar to accept as we experience more and more losses

Uncle Rusty says,  "you gotta stop making a big deal of it,  it just gets worse"

Funny,  I thought I had been doing better than the worst time.   Much better. 

Everything is always exactly as it should be. 

I suppose that includes knowing damn well if I had been there,  sigh

For fucks sake - weeks!!!

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry 

I love you,  Michael

May your spirit rest in peace,  that is - when it's ready

I love you,  Jeremy

May your spirit rest in peace,  it's what you were always missing

Thank you for loving me. ❤️ may I always remember. 

he poured water all over me

I'm sorry,  Michael.   It looks like I was the wrong choice.   When he was working,  I actually started to feel like he liked me.   

Now that he's not,  I think he actually dumped me last night. 

It seems that our friendship/ partnership/ love has become toxic.   I'm sure I'm responsible. 

Well...

It just sucks.   I feel like nothing is ever about anyone but him.   The things I want/ need from him have always been and continue to be summarily dismissed. 

He says terrible things with every breath. 

He's not happy,  and honestly,  I've all but given up. 

I'm lonely.  I can't care about my life or our home - I would be a fool.   

There is literally nothing I can do,  it seems. 

I did my best,  Michael.   What am I missing?

10 years now.

I love him.   I wish (as I always have) I didn't have to ask my partner to be a partner.   That's gotta be something I righteously fuck up.  Like,  my whole life. 

He's not happy.  He hates this life. 

I'm not happy either.   

Cue radiohead song

I'm not sure if I want out.  It seems he does. 

Unceremoniously dumped.   

I hope he can find whatever it is he would enjoy. 

I'll think about it tomorrow. 

snitchy borderline ghetto neighbors

Oh, oops

I think you 

Must be confused

The original game

The original rules 

Oh,  shoot

Did I mean to

Offend you

Well,  did I?

Defend yourself then,  

Defend yourself then

Defend 

Defend

And then

Do what we all did

Be cocky and sure

Believe you have something

Noones ever seen before

Queens knight opens the match

You're so mature to hold the chuckles back

Confidence is shining from your brow

It makes each moment more juicy somehow

G

A

M

E

E

M

A

G

M

A

G

E

What can it mean

G

A

M

E

E

M

A

G

M

A

G

E

Isn't it something?

roots and branches

My mind is blown right now. 

I know I should write -  I'm trying to get it together

Lit a cigarette... deep breaths 

Damn.   Wow. 

Ok

So

I decided to find my grandma on the daughters of the American revolution site like 2 hours or so ago.   Since then,  I've found so many - so much - incredible amounts of information... the daisy chain that leads to me. 

I've saved,  screen-shotted, bookmarked.   Holy crow. 

It's incredible.   There's so much. 

I don't know how to - I don't have the words to say what I feel right now.   

I've seen their names,  graves,  read stories,  more than I can process.  

Of course, this is only a minimal dabbling.   The roots are even more numerous than I can ever imagine. 

That was alot to take in

I'm not sure I really grasp it all just yet. 

Because he loved her, and then their son loved another's daughter, and their daughter fell in love with another's son.... do I exist. 

Grateful doesn't work. 

Amazed is closer 

What were they like?

I found a picture of my father's mother's,  mother's parents.   My great - great grandparents - at least two of them.   I must admit resemblances to me and the family I knew. 

I'm intimidated by the amount of research it takes to follow every line.  I really am. 

The roots run deep.   We've been here since the 1600s.  Which is nothing in the whole of human history... but really something in American history. 

Just wow.   

I am really glad it occurred to me to do this tonight.   I feel overwhelmed with love and pride and connection...

May the lord help me to continue to learn,  understand,  and remember my earthly creators

Humbling,  provoking,  encouraging

If I may,  thank you,  grandmas and grandpas.   I can't wait to learn more about you.   I'm sorry I'm a complete fuck up.   

This is too much for me tonight

Yep, I made it about me.  Of course.  Because that's what humans do.

You all came through and made and raised and fed and taught and disciplined and clothed and nursed and schooled and continued on... generation after generation....

Just

Thank you.  

Love you.

Goodnight