roots and branches

My mind is blown right now. 

I know I should write -  I'm trying to get it together

Lit a cigarette... deep breaths 

Damn.   Wow. 

Ok

So

I decided to find my grandma on the daughters of the American revolution site like 2 hours or so ago.   Since then,  I've found so many - so much - incredible amounts of information... the daisy chain that leads to me. 

I've saved,  screen-shotted, bookmarked.   Holy crow. 

It's incredible.   There's so much. 

I don't know how to - I don't have the words to say what I feel right now.   

I've seen their names,  graves,  read stories,  more than I can process.  

Of course, this is only a minimal dabbling.   The roots are even more numerous than I can ever imagine. 

That was alot to take in

I'm not sure I really grasp it all just yet. 

Because he loved her, and then their son loved another's daughter, and their daughter fell in love with another's son.... do I exist. 

Grateful doesn't work. 

Amazed is closer 

What were they like?

I found a picture of my father's mother's,  mother's parents.   My great - great grandparents - at least two of them.   I must admit resemblances to me and the family I knew. 

I'm intimidated by the amount of research it takes to follow every line.  I really am. 

The roots run deep.   We've been here since the 1600s.  Which is nothing in the whole of human history... but really something in American history. 

Just wow.   

I am really glad it occurred to me to do this tonight.   I feel overwhelmed with love and pride and connection...

May the lord help me to continue to learn,  understand,  and remember my earthly creators

Humbling,  provoking,  encouraging

If I may,  thank you,  grandmas and grandpas.   I can't wait to learn more about you.   I'm sorry I'm a complete fuck up.   

This is too much for me tonight

Yep, I made it about me.  Of course.  Because that's what humans do.

You all came through and made and raised and fed and taught and disciplined and clothed and nursed and schooled and continued on... generation after generation....

Just

Thank you.  

Love you.

Goodnight

what's in a requiem?

Uncle Rusty says I should "get used to it", my friends dying. 

Anyways,  he's almost 79, I'm 47.

I have no regrets getting to know,  live and love those that are now gone.   

When asked what happens when we die,  Keanu said,  "The only thing I know for sure: is that people that love us will miss us."

It seems that no matter how many years have passed,  this will continue to hold true. 

Sometimes,  I can't stand how my elders didn't tell me about their daily grief and remembrances.   I'm sure they must have had them; those daily reminders of loss and absence of those we love. 

They didn't tell me.  

Maybe they didn't want to. 

Maybe they wanted to protect my child's brain. 

Maybe, they were still children within,  and had no idea how to prepare me for the resounding,  tortuous, unyielding heartbreak that comes when someone you love,  admire,  worship and fear dies. 

What would they have said anyways?

Is not like they could have described the shock,  followed by sadness,  followed by denial and longing, laced with reminders that they really are dead,  no matter how impossible...

No

No one could tell another how to prepare. 

Goodbye,  Jeremy.   My little brother.   My friend. Please forgive me for not knowing how to protect you from your demons.   I saw them,  but I couldn't dispatch of them.   I only wish I had been able to. 

I never lied to you,  I never took from you,  I never used you,  if only that mattered. 

43.

I would rub your shaved head and tell you I loved you.   Every time but the last,  you said you lived me back. 

I would hold your hand and listen to you. 

I would worry about you. 

I would ask you to go with me places. 

I would help with your home and gardens. 

I saw you break

Over and over

More and more

Deeper and worse 

You traveled to every possible plain seeking the answers to finally quiet your demons.  

You did 

Every. 

Single. 

Thing. 

Everyone left you. 

Those final moments.   I dream of them. 

I can only hope they weren't what I imagine.

Horrific,  terrible,  fuck

I love you still,  little brother.  How very special were we to get to be in the same space at the same time. 

Let your soul and mind and body be at peace.   May you finally have rest and solace. 

I loved you. 

I love you still. 

Say hi to everyone for me - I'll be there with you sooner or later, maybe I can have gluten in that next place. 

Fuck. 

I love you,  be good. 

passwords

Ever since she's been gone

I mean, maybe the very next day

I started making my passwords

About her

Her name

The year she was born

Over

And over

Why did I do that?

Did I think I would forget her?

Was it because

She was all I could

Think about?

Did I think

I could invoke her?

That her name would be a guardian

Over my Netflix account?

Fuck.

If only that was enough.

i can't call the dead on the phone

Tonight, I am missing so many.  

Instead of calling them, I'm going to at least record wishing I could still talk to them.

I love you all.

Thank you

story for Sunday

Do

You

Go

Every

Sunday

Sit

In

Rows

Swear

To obey

Do

You 

Still

Look

For answers

In

The

Tales 

Of our 

Ancestors

Do you remember the story of Noah and the ark?

Did you ever think how much he suffered for his part?

Was the story of the two by two

Taught to children,  told so cute

Have you ever looked deep into the lines 

Sing the songs

They tell you to

Say the words

Like you're supposed to do

Rituals have a way of giving

What we need for believing

Do

You

Still

Say grace

For every meal

Do

You

Still

Erase

The sins you reveal

Do

You

Still

Feel like

There's something real

Watching you

Is it watching you?

What if it's watching you?

What if it's not?

Remember the story of Job

When God turned him into a joke

He took everything just to show

That the poor bastard still worshiped him

Did that teach you what you need to know?

What they think of here below 

Jealous Gods seem to have to show

How much we will love them even though

Did

You

Pass the plate

Of gold 

Did 

You

Give what

You were told

Is 

It

Fear that

Makes you hold

On to all of this?

Saved and sacred

Scared and naked

Saved and sacred 

Scared and naked

Just trying to get home

Just trying to feel home

Just trying to find home

Just trying to go home

Did

You

Do what you

Were told

wither thou goest

I saw my mother get dragged inside

The television took her mind

Her drug of choice was CNN 

She believed every word they said

Wither thou goest

Should I go too 

Even if there's nothing left of you

Wither thou goest

Wither thou goest

I watched my father in law

Get the same

When he tucked in his brain

To the fox News,  what can you do?

Wither thou goest 

Should I go too

Even if there's nothing

Left of you

Wither thou goest

Wither thou goest

I watched my sister

Blowing lines

Till she couldn't

Stay alive

Wither thou goest

Should I go too 

Even if there's nothing

Left of you

Wither thou goest

Wither thou goest

I watched my grandma

Pay her tithes

She prayed for what she

Thought was right

It didn't stop her

From losing her mind

All questions are answered

In due time

Wherever thou goest

Should I go to

Even if there's nothing

Left of you

Wherever thou goest

Wherever thou goest

safe

Hey

Did you get enough to eat?

Hey

Did you get a treat?

Hey 

Did you have a pretty normal day?

Well that's ok

Hey

Did your city just get bombed?

Hey

Did you pay for someone's wrongs?

Hey

Are you safe at home tonight?

Well that's alright

When you lay your head down safe

Do you remember to take time to pray

For everyone that's not ok

For all those who can't go home?

When you snuggle in your bed

Do you remember those who've fled 

From what they've always known?

That can never go home?

Did they tell you it's ok

Too do things their way

Did they tell you that you're safe

As long as you play the game

Jesus christ 

Are you coming or what

Is this your fight

Or is it all or fault

Jesus christ

When will you make your debut

We've prayed,  we've titled

Are you gonna come through

Is it ok if she just cries 

She doesn't understand all the whys 

She's just hanging on to her life

With no answers or reason

I guess as long as your wifi works

Your work and hobbies will come first

It's not like they're killing neighbor kids

Keep on scrolling shorty video

What can I do,  little one

What can I do,  orphaned son 

What can I do to give you the peace that you should have

What can I do,  my sister

What can I do,  old mister

What can I do to return the life that you lived