sonic temple

I haven't been to a full-on, multi-day music festival for probably over 8 years.  

I can't believe Adam and I did this.  It is now going into day 4 (day 5 with the pre-game day).  I've gone through several stages of whiny and bitchy, many shades of intoxication, pulling myself up and making myself go back for more... I am so glad.

I've really missed it.  So much.   The dancing, the singing, the yelling, the lifting off the earth - the absence of pain.

Maybe music overtakes me so much there's no room left for pain.  I feel it later, not at all when I'm letting it take me.  

Oh man, I've missed it all so much.  The people, the sights, the shared experience,  the exchange of energy.

I'm so glad I got to do this.  I can't believe I didn't punk out today.  I was fucking wiped.  Adam and I stayed up till 7 this morning.  (Now yesterday)

He played the harp for hours.  

That was amazing

Tool, suicidal tendencies, Godsmack, avenged sevenfold, chevele, rob zombie, puscifer,  kiss... fuck yeah

Last night,  after the show,  we went to the pizza place.   Some dude named Kevin insisted that I had a piece of his gluten free pizza,  and drink a bottle of water.   I haven't had an experience like that since Ocean helped me out at fall Suwanee in 2002.

I'm so grateful. 

I've gotten to do and see and feel and have so many beautiful moments.   I forgot how much I love it.   I've really missed dancing. 

For tool, Doug and I danced right at the fence by the sound booth.   The wind would come through and blow my hair.   The moon and stars were out.   I've never seen tool outside. 

I danced so hard,  I forgot about everything.   Magical. 

Doug got taken by the music too and left the earth with me.  Just beautiful. 

I'm so grateful for this.  Thankful to the universe and God and music for helping me heal.

playing old familiar pieces

I haven't been playing a lot since we closed the shop.   I miss having my c7, and my perzina.   At home,  I have princess Charlotte's gunther spinet from Belgium,  made in the late 1920's/ early 1930s.  It has some limitations.   

Nevertheless,  I sat down to it tonight,  and played after a long dry spell.   I had beethoven's sonatas and chopin's nocturnes on the desk. 

I played the first two pages of Ludwigs opus 14 no. 2.  It was good.   Then I flipped randomly and sight read some movement of some sonata I'd never heard.   Then,  I tried to get into chopin,  but I just couldn't get into the nocturnes.  In my head,  I was looking for his raindrops prelude.  I didn't have the music for it. 

I got up for a bit.   Came back and played debussey's first arabesque.   Got up again,  and printed out the raindrop prelude.   

When I played it,  it was probably better than I felt like it was.   I couldn't remember the key signature.   I over thought everything.   Fuck. 

I got up.   I came back,  I played it again.   Still not completely happy.   

I started beethoven's pathetique 1st mvt.  I did ok. 

But then,  I kept thinking the key signature was the same as the raindrop.  It's not. 

Fuck.

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

strawberry fields

Is anything real?

We've been bantered about and forced to face agreed upon realities for so long. 

Can we even tell anymore?

What difference does it make?

Where is home?

Why can't I get there?

fuck being stuck

I've been overwhelmed and stuck for so many years.  

I know I have.

I've struggled, to no avail.

Time has been squandered, resources unmanaged, choices unchecked, plans abandoned.

It's enough now.  Enough.

I am talented, strong, determined, capable, adaptable, able to do whatever I'd like.

I pray I figure out what that is again.

I need to connect with a goal.  I need a project that isn't a horrible pressing "have-to".  I need something I care about.

Fuck.

I've forgotten myself.

birthdays

Today I turn 46.  Older than I ever imagined.  But, possibly, only half way through my life.

I always celebrate my "last day" the day before my birthday.  My "last day" of 45 this year.  I won 2 chess matches, lost 0.  I won 2 pinball games, and lost 3.  I caught up with an old friend and celebrated our 10 year friendiversary.   

I sang, I planned a trip to do route 66 with an acquaintance I'd like to make a friend.  I loved on a 10 week old shibu inu puppy.  I taught 5 students, and coached 2 more.  I made it home safely.

I wrote in my journal.  I tried to read my tarot cards, but I felt off.  I brushed out dreadlocks from a good friend's depression hair.  I made a new cat friend, I saw two dog friend's and two cat friends outside my house.

I saw a rose gold full moon rise.

I apologized for interrupting and listened as well as I could.  

I left my husband to be depressed in bed and tried not to let it bother me.

I did my best.  Now I need to nap.

Goodbye 45.

Hello 46!

am I a narcissist?

Am I the narcissist?

Fuck.

Maybe I am. Maybe it's always been me.  

Maybe I'm the one who caused so many problems. Maybe I'm the one that's abusive and controlling. Maybe I'm the one that's been horrible.

Fuck.

Holy fuck.

I can't do this right now.

I'm gonna pray.

10th anniversary of the day we met & also valentines day

I know it has to be my fault. I know it could be different, if only I knew what was required of me to get my desired outcome.

As you said tonight, "it's been 10 years, why haven't you acclimated to me yet?"

It's because I exist too. I'm here too. I have wants and needs and hopes and dreams, and have spent quite a few years working to please you and others. While none of them ever knew me at all.

I finally got it during one of the group sessions I took back in 2020, after my stint in the psych ward. We did a blind " what do you think of/compliment" each other exercise.  

No one knew anything about me after 6 weeks besides I owned a business and I tried to be a good mom. I knew then, that I am very closed off from anyone around me. I also realized, I don't know how to change that without being a complete psycho dick.

I scare people. One of my students recently took a workshop with my former teacher. This woman frightened me down to my very core.

My student reported, " I see why you're so scared of her, but you scare me more."

Wow. 

Just Wow.

Of course, everyone I encounter, then is subject to this ridiculous possibility. What a mind fuck.

I don't want to be scary, or serious, or intimidating. I never even imagined I would come across as those things. I know now that I do. This recent example is only one of many.  

I have to ask myself if it would be better some other way?

I don't know. I only know I didn't know it was this way. Now that I do, what should I do?