regret

Very recently I've come to accept that I am talented.  It fucking breaks my heart to even write that.  Here we go, even worse... I am a musical genius.  

Gross.

I have to accept it, just to believe that I can save my work for someone else to hear.  Just to believe that I can help teach other people what I've learned and tortured myself with.  Just to save their regrets, and release my own.  And to give my gift to those who would appreciate it.  It's so hard.  

It's so hard to believe those things and not be an ego maniac.  In fact, most of my time and energy is spent on service to others.  I think that's how I'm able to reconcile it all.  I'm obligated to share my gift.  To share it, I have to own it.  

For years, I destroyed most records of my work.  I never believed it was good enough and would just be ignored, annoying, awkward...

Now, I see that it is my responsibility to do this.  Whether I feel "special" or "gross".  It's my cross to bear.  And I have been.

Today, in a few hours, I plan to share some of my most beautiful work with my parents.  The people who paid for my instruments and teachers.  I am terrified.  I think my dad will love it, I think my mother will too but she won't let herself show it.

I think I'm driving my love away.  He was better off in his own world without me to shine next to him.  He is a genius, beautiful, talented.  He has yet to accept himself.  I owe him everything.  He pushed me to who I am now.  I talk with him and try to help him accept who he is and stop fighting it.  The past few days, it's made him very sick.  And I can't find a way to help him feel better.

Regrets.  I regret that I am struggling with this, and have forever.  I regret that my mom and my love feel like they don't shine because I do (like my sister).  I regret that I let their discomfort alter my work.  I regret everyone I've hurt.  

I wish I knew how I look to other people.  Why my students are intimidated by me.  Why the people I admire don't seem like they like my work.  I wish I knew how to share better.  I wish I could understand the right way to do all this.  

I am ready to know how to handle it.  I wonder if I even get it or if I'm really just a poser.

Maybe it'll get better.  I pray it all goes well.

Tick Tock

I can't sleep.  Again.

This has been a thing for me since very early on.  

When you can't sleep, and you live with other people, there comes a time in the night when you try hard not to wake them.  There's no piano playing, no hammer nailing, minimal floor board wailing.  It's a game of hide and hopefully they won't seek.

I used to learn to do new things in the middle of the night.  I taught myself to see, paint, use sign language, write poetry.  Now, I just sit up and wait for the awake time.  I used to sometimes pray, to God, to Mary, to Jesus.  I even fancied that angels would visit me.  I used to do breathing exercises and muscle tightening loosening moves.  I used to read books.  I've gotten a lot of who I am from not being able to sleep, and being able to pretend like I had the next day.

Maybe I should go back to the way I was.  I've made my own space recently.  Maybe, on these sleepless nights, I should continue to learn - to practice - to expand.  I fear so much disturbing anyone else, I've given up on quite a lot.

When I have had to lay next to another, wide awake, hearing them go deeper and deeper into their resting rhythms, I would meditate.  I would thank each atom and electron in my physical form.  I would pray and focus protection on my people.  I would pray for peace in the world.  I would take 100 deep, square, 10 count breaths.  Sometimes, I would finally go to sleep.  Sometimes, the bittersweet sound of the alarm would come and I would rise, unsure if I had touched the other realm.

Maybe I should exercise more.  I used to take long walks at night.  First solo, then with Kojo and Laurel, and then Frankie.  Sometimes after those walks, I could sleep.  I used to sing and dance for hours and go eat eggs at 3 am.  Sometimes after those nights I could sleep.  

I don't know.

I don't know why sometimes, I can sleep, and others I just can't.  I don't know why I get so uncomfortable in my own home when I can't.  I doubt it will ever change (the sleeping part).  I hope I can change the discomfort part.  God knows how it could be if I was ok with being creative or constructive while I just can't sleep.  

I'm sure I'll keep working on it.  

The Irrationality of Grief - or Something

I have recently lost my closest friend ever.  My dog.

I have never had a dog before.  We were truly attached at the hip.  She had some special needs, and because of that, I took her to work almost everyday.  She slept with me every night.  We did everything together.

When she started really acting funny, I didn't see it as something that meant the end was coming.  I talked with trainers, and then took her to neurolgical vets.  Where I still didn't get that I would have to part with her. 
After all the medicine didn't work, it became clear that she really was sick.  She had a brain tumor, and I would be saving her from further pain and incapacitation if I did the humane thing and sent her over the rainbow bridge.

So, one Sunday morning, after a full day goes bucket list day the day before, and with her whole family with her, that's what we did.

I still think she's going to be here when I get home.  It's been 7 weeks.  I still think I hear her collar rattle.  I still think she's in the backseat of the car sometimes. 
But the worst is, I just can't wait to see her again. 

She made me feel so safe and loved.  She never judged me, yelled at me, or expected more from me than I gave her.  She always accepted my love and time however it was.  And was always so happy to have it.  I miss her so much, it's ridiculous.

I don't know how irrational it is, I just can't wait til I don't have to miss her anymore.  This is just too hard.  I cry nearly every morning still, Everytime I see a picture of her, and almost Everytime I leave my work.  Without her to go with me to lock up and go, it's just horrible. 

I know I am very lucky to have had someone in my world I miss this much.  But that doesn't make me feel anything other than wishing she was still here.

I hate cancer.

In Australia, there is free veterinary medicine.  They would have taken that murderous tumor from my best friend, and she'd still be here.  Happy to have coffee with me this morning.  Even if I woke up late.

Within

I have been suffering for a while with myself. 
Seems I turn it in then out then in... It goes on and on.
The truth is that I'm suffering at my own hand.  Whether I always recognize it or not.

I owe myself, and those around me better than that. 

I resolve to be responsible.

Much Love.

Strange Dreams

Last night, I had a very strange dream.

I fear I have no place to share it other than here.

I should prelude this story by telling you that my only sister committed suicide ten years ago, at the age of 31.


I found myself in a dingy, dark classroom.  Sitting at a student desk.  It was populated by people I know, most of them are still living.  They were milling about while I just sat there, wondering what was going on, feeling a little out of place and confused.  This was quite the lucid dream, as I can remember feeling the cool smoothness of the desk, hearing the muttering and the shuffling of the feet of the people in the room with me.  Feeling too hot as I became embarassed that I seemed to be the only one who was confused.... all that.

Someone said, "Betsy's here."
"Where is she?"  I answered.

I looked behind me down the aisle of desks, and here came my sister, walking towards me.

She looked alive, but dead all at the same time.  Her color was pale, her skin was rotting and dehydrated, but she moved as though she was alive.

As she came towards me, I made the conscious decision not to take offense at her clearly rotting condition.  I was just so happy to see her.  I took both of her icy hands and held them in my own.  "I've missed you so much."  I said.

"I know you have" she answered.   Now, I was graced with a flash of her whole face, only this time, she looked exactly as she had when she was living.  I told her how young she looked, and that I was so much older than her now.  She said she knew, that was what was supposed to happen.

I followed her into another classroom.  I was aware that our grandparents were in the room.  One set looked as they had when I was a child, grey haired, a little old, but not as bad as they had been when they died.  The other set both were young, in their 30's.
I noticed that none of them appeared to be rotting like her.  I asked her about this.
She said, "Oh, yeah.  That's because they can go wherever they want to."  I asked why she couldn't.  She said, "Oh, well, I'm stuck here for another 19 years or so... but who's counting."

She led me past more familiar faces, I heard more voices muttering... very strange.

She sat me on the floor in a dingy, dark corner and handed me a basket of laundry.  She said, " we need to do your laundry."

Ok, I thought, let's do laundry.

I started folding the clothes, and was surprised when it was my children's baby clothes.  Items they used to wear when they were just babies.  She had me place them in an invisible bag, that I could see my hand through, but not the clothes.

I woke up in tears.

I wish I knew what it meant.

Grace

A subtle glance with a little smile
A patient nod towards a child
A knowing sound
A kind word
That lets you know that you've been heard

Always knowing
Just the right touch
Not too little - Not too much
Maybe just a little grand
Nothing ever out of hand

Eternal floral scented rooms
Virtue, penance
through and through
Never one to make a fuss
Always gave the best to us

Beauty, poise
Endless praise
Trusting warmth
That radiates
Even now, from beyond the grave

Eternal grace,
She duely reigned
A Queen she was and shall remain
Should I walk where she once stepped
Embracing grace, with no regrets.

I love you, grandma, Thank you for everything.

Astrology - Where to start...

Astrology is a wonderful tool - but a tricky path to follow.

Chances are most of you have no idea how to read an astrology chart - but it would be really cool if you could.  Some of you may have already begun educating yourselves in this ancient art, and are beginning to realize that there is a lot to learn.  This article is for beginning dabblers, in the hopes that I can help you achieve a better understanding of this ancient practice.

Step One: Vocabulary

This is perhaps the most important first step.  Fundamental understanding of the language is key to developing any kind of working knowledge in any situation.  In other words - you gotta know your stuff.

Astro College has a great dictionary that you can use while you're getting used to things.

Astro College's Online Dictionary

Some key terms in the beginning are:

Zodiac ~ Natal Chart ~ Houses of the Zodiac ~ Ascendant ~ Descendant

Mid-Heaven or Mid-Coeli ~ IC or Imum-Coeli

Aspect ~ Transit ~ Retrograde ~ Void of Course

You should also learn all the symbols or glyphs:

Step Two: Understanding the Basics

When you begin studying astrology - it is important to link it mentally to astronomy.  That is to realize how the chart you are studying relates physically to the celestial bodies.  

It is also very important to study the characteristics of each sign, house, transit and planet.

This study may take a while to get a full understanding of each of these things.  It helps if you start with a single chart and study each aspect of it as far as you can.  If you learn as you go, the information is easier to apply.

It is important to note that there are many interpretations out there of all of these aspects of astrology.  Each astrologer is free to interpret each thing as they choose.  You will find, however, that there is common ground between them.  I will be posting my own interpretations here in the next astrology lesson.

Step Three: The Bigger Picture

Astrology is a wonderful tool for those who truly understand it.  This takes time, effort, concentration and determination.  When you go to a web-site that offers free horoscopes - what you're getting is either a sun-sign horoscope (which has little to no value for the individual) or a computer generated interpretation with generalized interpretations given based on your chart and it's transits.  What you aren't getting is the bigger picture, the deeper relationship between it all.  As a student of astrology - you must work to see the bigger picture and interpret it in a clear way.  This is not something I would expect anyone to accomplish immediately, but I post it here as your ultimate goal in your quest to become an astrologer.  I wish you well in your continued journey through this ancient subject.

Now then - pull up your chart - and get busy!

I would love to hear from you - if you have any questions, please feel free to leave them for me!

Much Love,

Alle