I'm so lonely

I hate to say it,  but I have to admit I did what I did for him so I wouldn't be alone. 

It didn't work. 

I've never been so alone.   

I'm sorry

I wish I knew how to make him a man.   I wish I knew how to do the right things to be his woman

I don't. 

I'm in pain everyday because I have to sleep downstairs on the couch in the filthy pit we call a home.  

He has no goals,  no dreams, no future.   He only wants to be a boy in his parent's basement.   

Lord,  if it be your will,  let him go home. 

Lord,  please help me find my home. 

survival mode

It seems that Doug is finally learning the value of a dollar, at least in his own way.

I can't believe how long I spoiled him - I didn't ever think there were any other options.

He still manipulates just fine.  Me, his mom, whoever he can.  I don't know how much longer I can do this.  I used to justify this stuff because I brought a kid to care for.  Therefore, all the responsibility lied on me.  Now, it's been just us.  It's awful.

I'm sad a lot. I'm lonely all the time.  I am not allowed to sleep in a bed.  I'm in pain everyday from the couch.  He hates every word that comes out of my mouth, unless it's "what can I do for you".

I'm fucking tired.  I raised kids.  This guy.  Idk anymore.  He can even manage being out of bed for more than a work day.  

I want a real life.  With real goals, real plans, a real home.  

I'm on my own, as always, with all that.

Whatever.  I'm doing it to myself at this point.   I just don't know how much longer I can manage.

gratitude

Being truly grateful for all we are given is really fucking hard.

I'm trying it out, have been off and on for awhile 

Every moment I am here is a gift

Sometimes the gift breaks my heart and floods my world with thick tears and unconcious sobs

Sometimes it's a bottle, yet another, of booze to take me out of this day

Sometimes it's knowing my cat is dying, and doing my best to stay cool around him - fuck

Gifts, all gifts.  I'm lucky to have all of these and all the good, mundane, stupid, awful. All of it.

It's amazing 

baby brother

He couldn't go camping with us because he was "broke".

Somehow,  we ended up talking for hours.   

Not the first time,  for sure,  hopefully not the last. 

I'm just gonna free flow here... if I can manage to even do that

Is it love I feel for him,  or is it protection?  Is there a difference?

How does he not get how much of my daily life was protecting him,  teaching him,  helping him... it's it my fault that I feel like he took me for granted?

Bullet

Promises are made to be broken,  he said,  bullets are cheap. 

Why

Why does any of this mean anything?  Why do I feel the need to feel?

He started yelling about,  maybe 2 hours before he finally melted down and went off the deep end. 

None of this shit can be changed,  the past is the past.   I can't protect him from it. 

Why 

Why does any of this mean anything?

Is that being human?  What good does it do?

How could anyone have a "perfect" life?  What does that even mean?  Who decides what the standards are to be perfect?  Who tells us when things have fallen short?

Discord and resolve

Bitter and sweet

Hot and cold

Unpopular opinion,  everything is exactly as it should be.  

Tough to really swallow

I struggle

Conscious experience/existance/awareness 

Incredible,  fucking crazy

Deal with it. 

who decided we should avoid feeling "bad" at all costs, and instead, strive for only "what seemingly pass as pure joy

who decided we should avoid feeling "bad" at all costs,  and instead, somehow encouraged us to strive for only what seemingly pass as moments of "pure joy", thus condemning any lessor metriculated moments cast in to the Bog of Eternal Stench, thus being forever relegated as shameful,  horrifying,  abhorrent or,  (for you youngsters) cringey or uncomfy....

Sorry,  Midge

Well,  here's a thought...

Why should anything ever rob me of my enjoyment and experience of a moment of my conscious existence... 

Aren't terribly heart wrenching works of art even more profound than works of joy?

(Good time to mention: these statements are only the opinion of the author,  are not fact checked,  and are not intended to be anything other than free communication to those that would hear.   Please forgive any unintentional potentially offensive script,  or don't... that's fine too)

Why is feeling bad bad?

Why arent we allowed to embrace the other

The full spectrums and octaves and

The shadows and shapes 

How many breaths it takes

Maybe it's my chip to lose 

To lose

To lose

Ahh, 

Not to sore 

There's so much more

We're waiting, waiting,  waiting,  waiting, waiting 

<Isn't music something>

I Wonder Which Part of Adulting this is...

The older I get, the more I know for sure that no one wants to hear about my bullshit.  They don't benefit from me being emotional, or happy, or hopefully, or broken...  really, it's best if I just shut the fuck up.

What's cool is, for me - I don't want them to anymore.  I'd rather they knew nothing about me.  So much quieter that way.  

Temperance 

Mom, when Sarah told her, "your daughter's on the phone!", answered, "which one?".

Oh how I miss Michael and Jeremy!  And so, so many just as dear.  Beyond grateful for those that continue on.  

A cigarette would be nice.

bff 2

​​@Vanneelyvlogs ​@Vanneelyvlogs   I haven't been out there since 2018 (i think)

My bff lived near Griffith Park.

I hiked my chubby,  little,  hobbit ass up that whole thing - while he pranced in front of me like Pan himself (all 145 of his 6'2" hyper,  skinny body)

I almost died.   But I made it.   All the way to the observatory.  

I was pretty furious when i saw most people drive up the other side.   But,  whatever.

After a bit,  he had me go straight down through the brush.   I think there was some house that was in AHS, or Stranger Things or something he wanted me to see.

We went to where you could kind of see it,  and then my beloved BFF decides we're just gonna go straight down from there.

About halfway,  i realize that this is where people get killed by mountain lions,  rattlesnakes,  weirdos...

I decide that i should just keep my little hobbit shuffle going with no such worries in my heart.

We get to the bottom,  he says, "I'm really impressed!  I can't believe you did all that!"

My skin is already burnt.   I had just gotten in from January in Ohio like,  2 1/2, 3 hours before.   I haven't seen the sun since at least September.

Another aside, if you'll grant me:
He picked me up at the airport around 6:30/7 that morning.   We hadn't seen each other in quite a long time.  

As requested,  he took me straight to the beach.   When we got settled,  watching the ocean (my first time back to the pacific since i was a little kid) he handed me my first,  medical grade,  legal joint.

I lit it,  coughed,  took another hit - passed it to David.   He hit it,  handed it back - I hit it again...
We watched the ocean quietly for years.   We were so happy to be with each other again.  

At any rate,  i was definitely stoned.

Some things never change...

Anyways,  that was almost the last time i was out there.

I haven't seen much of what's happened since the fires,  or the homeless crises.

I'll be sure to check out more of your work