Saturday, November 18, 2023

nobody's coming

I've waited and wished
Begged and thrown fits
Sent psychic beams 
Still Noone comes for me

I've charmed and seduced
Blushed and refused
Let them all loose 
And Noone comes for me

What hasn't been tried?
Do you have some advice?
It hurts me inside
That Noone comes for me

If there's something to change
Some lesson,  some page
Some turn of some phrase
Would someone come for me?

Can't help but to wait
No matter how late
Maybe today
Someone will come for me. 

Saturday, October 14, 2023

eviction and tarot

I'm a fucking wreck.  
I didn't mean for this to get this far.  

It's all my fault.  I don't know where I'm gonna go to bed Monday night.

I don't want to keep fighting for a house we don't take care of and we can't afford.

I have to start packing soon.

At least I read good for the people.

I'm a wreck.  I'm so sorry.


Wednesday, September 6, 2023

gratitude 9/5/23

I got to talk to Uncle Scott
I sold a piano
I got to talk to Adam
I helped Emmy
I helped Ruby, Sonny, Wiggles, Lita and Kitty
I got to talk to Amanda
I got to talk to my brunch buddy
I got to talk with Jeremy
I got to talk with Dougie
I got to talk to Ter-bear
I sang dad's song for uncle Scott
I showered and dressed
I wore makeup

I'm working
I'm pushing 
I'm willing 
I am being encouraged and supported

I did this.

Struggles and Fears

What would it be like to be free from internal struggles and fears?  I don't know.  

I want to free myself.  I know it's up to me.  If only that knowledge was the key.  

Fear, fucking fear.  Fear of anything, everything, nothing, whatever.

Struggling.  Why do I find comfort in struggling and Fear?  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Enough.

Tuesday, August 1, 2023

stuck

I have too much to do.  

So many things, all at once.

I shut down.  I hide.  I doom scroll and sleep and drink.

I need to believe in myself/my work again. 

So many good people are supporting my work.  

Telling me, "get back up!".

They'd do anything for me.

I wish I would.

I'm scared.

So many things have hurt.  So many lives I've built and burned.

Fuck.

It's hard to get back up again.  I'm so tired.

Please help me.  

What am I supposed to do?

What work is for me?

Help me find my place again.  Help me be useful again.  Help me do good again.

I'm so tired.  

Please pick me up, dust me off, and put me in the game again.

Struggling is real.

Friday, July 14, 2023

just the worst

I must be the worst person in the world.

I can't even stand myself anymore.

Everyone I love tells me I suck and I can't have the love I want because I suck.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do to get the love I really wish I had. 

I wish I could exit.  Fucking Betsy.

I want to go home.  I don't know how to play the game.  I never win.  I want to go home.  

I'm sorry.

Please, let me go home now.

Wednesday, July 12, 2023

Celebrate Diversity

Celebrating diversity seems to have driven us farther from embracing unity.  The more we celebrate our struggles, the more those struggle will be perceived and continued. 

Where does it end?  We have pride month, where I should be ashamed to be a straight woman.  We have black history month, where I should be ashamed to be a white woman.  We make such a fuss.  Here's the problem for me.

When is women's month?   We only got the right to vote just over 100 years ago.  We still didn't have the right to own property in many states, and under various conditions after that.  Our husband's could have us committed until at least 60 years ago.  I don't even want to go into the latest messes.  But, yet, no month.

Where is single mother's month?  Talk about overcoming the damage of the white man... or even yet, single father's month?

What about Native People's month?  Like they don't deserve recognition for being fucking slaughtered and destroying their culture.

How about Asian American's month?  Umm... same.

What about firefighters month?  Or first-responder's month?

How about doctor's and nurse's month?

What about executioners month?

Where can we find room for evangelist's month?  Next to white supremicist's month?  Or just after Jewish People's month?  

How about sex-workers month?  Or road workers month?  When can we squeeze in a month to celebrate our modern boot leggers?

A month for cat ladies, a month for klansmen, a month for slim shadys, a month for vegans...

There are so many ways to live your little life.  Celebrate each day, it is your right.