chronic illness

I haven't really ever felt well.  

I know, that sounds completely whiny and awful.

I hate this about myself.

I always pushed through, did what I could even if I was sick. These last couple of years, though, I'm falling behind.

After always trying to do my best, take care of everyone and everything, not take time for myself... this is really hard.

My mom was chronically ill. I hated it. I couldn't do anything to make her better. I still can't.  

Most of all, I feel sorry. And 

completely freaked out.  

I feel like there's no way to find the answer.

I'm so repulsed by myself and my health, I wish I didn't have to be here anymore.

I want to go home. Now.

I'm so sorry.

Going to the blood doctor Wednesday.

I hope they can help. 

was it 2018?

It may have been as far back as 2012, or even farther. Maybe clear back when I got here in 77. I'm not sure.

I know I had some weird experiences. I know 

I didn't have choices.

I'm fucking 45 years old now. I don't care what happened. I don't care who did what to who. I don't care how fucked up it was.  

It's time to forgive. All the way. All of it.

I want to live for me now. I've given way too much of my time to feel like shit over things I can't change, can't erase, can't undo.  

I forgive it all. I forgive them all. 

I forgive myself.

The past is gone, thank God.  

Why am i so scared? So many stupid questions. Do I even know who I am? Aren't I what those things made me? Was I something else before all that? How do I forgive? How can I possibly allow myself to live for myself? Shame. Guilt. Fear. Fuck it.

the answers soon come

Soon come. 

In Jamaica, this is a standard reply for any query involving how long. How long till we get there? Soon come. How long till my finger is ready? Soon come. How long till our taxi arrives? Soon come. 

Since my (so far) only trip on my 37th birthday to that magical, beautiful, dangerous and scandalous place, the song that wrote itself in my head revives itself from time to time. 

The answer soon come 

The answer soon come

Don't waste your time waiting

The answer soon come

This has been a really long, tough period of my life. When I look back, there were seldom any easy times; and I am grateful for all of then.

I believe that I am the temperance card in tarot. The most beautiful, forged by repeated firing, folding, and hammering. I hope I've finally reached an acceptable level of crafting. I once asked the universe to make me a useful tool. Not long ago, I begged and cried to be released from that duty. I was.

I feel that I still have work to do. I've raised my children, badly. I was not the mother they deserved. Somehow, they all still love me and are fiercely loyal to me and each other. I can't help but wish I had done more to raise them better. I know I did the best I could, they are so wonderful... I wish thermally the happiness, success, good health and fruitfulness the world can give them.

I am nearing the end of my single mothering days. I have wrecked mahlons vision. I didn't mean to, he definitely set me up for failure, but I did. I burned my own work. I need to be over it.

I tried to help my brother, my parents, my sister's children... no use. I tried to help my partners, Doug is the closest I've gotten to any kind of positive response.

I'm ready to be who I am. I'm terrified. I'm afraid I have cancer, at worst, or some other chronic illness, at best. That has actually helped me give a fuck about me.

If I'm gonna go out, I want to leave my mark. I want to do work. I want to swim in the waves and teach the world to sing, and love fiercely, and be here. I want to exist. I want to matter. It's taken me years to shine through Betsy's shadow. And man, what a mark she left on everyone she touched. I feel like people forget me. I want to leave something. I want to leave my teaching, leave my understanding of music for others.

I want to leave recordings for my family and whoever else. I want to leave paintings. I want to share thoughts and ideas. I want to be open learning and experiencing new things until I'm not here anymore and I get to go home.

These last couple of years, I had more than one instance that I really thought I was dying. No 

more squandering time.

Let me make my mark.

does it matter?

I can write forever, for some nameless, faceless audience. I can try like mad to understand you and hope you understand me. But, the truth us, I know you can't even find me. My little blog, out here in the interwebs.   

Part of me is happy to be so free and anonymous. Of course, I wish I could share with someone...

If you happen to read what I've managed to offer, please say hi. I need you. More than I can ssat.

Thanks.

just drink the water

It's so easy to be a glass is half full person, or a glass is half empty.... just drink the damn water and enjoy each moment of it. Be glad there was still water to be drank.  

Shut the fuck up otherwise... damn.

DaeDae

What is friendship? What makes someone your best friend? Is it decades if loyalty? Is it years of shared experiences? Is it the willingness to deceive and reprieve each other?.

Why are we best friends?   

What made us do that?

I'm sorry I let you down..

But you're from my part of town ...

And I miss you

why is this happening?

Another mass shooting today.   This one was at a Wal-Mart.   I can't even imagine what that was like.   I hope I never find out. 

I wish I understood what drives the people who actually flip out and bring a gun to the movies or school or Wal-Mart.  Are they protesting something?  Are they hypnotized?  

I recall a time in my life that nearly all killings were committed by people who knew their victim.   Bombings happened,  but not very often,  and they were for a reason ... and terrible. 

What is the motivating factor for these nearly daily mass shootings?

What do they want?