get off my lawn

Things are changing so quickly. 

Who ever thought someone would think steely dan was a person that used they pronouns?

Fuck

Who ever thought they needed seek out that level of validation for their dating preferences?

I just don't care.   It doesn't matter. 

If people want to stand up and scream and fight over whatever,  that's their thing. 

Israel bombed a children's hospital.   We still have camps in the US full of migrant children that are illegally detained. 

People are losing their homes, came afford to feed themselves. 

Steely Dan's pronouns seem like a great distraction. 

Fuck it. 

surprise

Everyone goes through life alone. 

Though we may desperately seek and believe we have found sometime who shares our experiences as we do...

That's not possible. 

I've spent so many years.   I believed in a shared perception and experience of life with a partner. 

I

Was

Wrong

I was wrong. 

nobody's coming

I've waited and wished

Begged and thrown fits

Sent psychic beams 

Still Noone comes for me

I've charmed and seduced

Blushed and refused

Let them all loose 

And Noone comes for me

What hasn't been tried?

Do you have some advice?

It hurts me inside

That Noone comes for me

If there's something to change

Some lesson,  some page

Some turn of some phrase

Would someone come for me?

Can't help but to wait

No matter how late

Maybe today

Someone will come for me. 

eviction and tarot

I'm a fucking wreck.  

I didn't mean for this to get this far.  

It's all my fault.  I don't know where I'm gonna go to bed Monday night.

I don't want to keep fighting for a house we don't take care of and we can't afford.

I have to start packing soon.

At least I read good for the people.

I'm a wreck.  I'm so sorry.

gratitude 9/5/23

I got to talk to Uncle Scott

I sold a piano

I got to talk to Adam

I helped Emmy

I helped Ruby, Sonny, Wiggles, Lita and Kitty

I got to talk to Amanda

I got to talk to my brunch buddy

I got to talk with Jeremy

I got to talk with Dougie

I got to talk to Ter-bear

I sang dad's song for uncle Scott

I showered and dressed

I wore makeup

I'm working

I'm pushing 

I'm willing 

I am being encouraged and supported

I did this.

Struggles and Fears

What would it be like to be free from internal struggles and fears?  I don't know.  

I want to free myself.  I know it's up to me.  If only that knowledge was the key.  

Fear, fucking fear.  Fear of anything, everything, nothing, whatever.

Struggling.  Why do I find comfort in struggling and Fear?  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Enough.

stuck

I have too much to do.  

So many things, all at once.

I shut down.  I hide.  I doom scroll and sleep and drink.

I need to believe in myself/my work again. 

So many good people are supporting my work.  

Telling me, "get back up!".

They'd do anything for me.

I wish I would.

I'm scared.

So many things have hurt.  So many lives I've built and burned.

Fuck.

It's hard to get back up again.  I'm so tired.

Please help me.  

What am I supposed to do?

What work is for me?

Help me find my place again.  Help me be useful again.  Help me do good again.

I'm so tired.  

Please pick me up, dust me off, and put me in the game again.

Struggling is real.